Knitting Curious Again

After the supply run we made to Michael’s it was inevitable that we would find ourselves parked on the lounge in the sitting room again for another stitch n’ bitch. Cat worked on a baby hat, while I went back and forth from patching the doll to helping Fell with her attempt at knitting a doll. I admire her ambition in wanting to learn something so complex so quickly.

The conversation ranged from lighthearted to serious. I finally told her of my fears

“I was talking to Sunshine a couple of weeks ago. He's safe for now but I'm 
worried about him I wound up telling him about the dream I had of him. He suggested that maybe it was supposed to happen, that he saved me so I could kill him. I said that the only way that would happen is if I was hollowed. He suggested that maybe it was getting close to that point. I don't want to lose myself and I don't want to hurt him, Cat but I know what I want doesn’t matter to Ritter, nor should I expect it to. I’m not angry at Ritter for it as I’ve always known that this is His nature and I have been disobedient. I can only hope that He doesn’t require it of me… That it was just a dream, at worst meant to punish not prophesy… That He still has some use for Sunshine”

"It was just a dream, Wolf.” She said softly “I'm sure of that. I know it's hard and I know you're worried for him....but right now, all you can do is talk to him when he comes online. I'm sure that he appreciates it, being able to just talk to you."

Fell chimed in “If the Tailor wanted you hollowed, I think you would be by now”       

I turned that over in my mind, my thoughts eventually drifting to Whitecrow

“I saw what happened between you and Murkrow over Moral”

Cat laughed a little at the nickname but quickly became serious again at the mention of Moral’s death

“Cat, what would you do if I was ordered to kill someone that you considered a friend? Would you hate me too?”

She thought for a moment

"Well.....no. I don't hate ‘Murkrow’ for doing what he was told. I don't hate him for doing his job and not holding back. The reason why I hate him....is how he treated Moral. How he didn't just kill him, but....but tortured him, gutted him, turned him into a trophy. Things that you don't do. You feed your inner wolf, not your inner ego."

“You forget that I have tortured people. Consider Fell here, for instance, or Brightsky’s Collin. I killed him slower than I had to, right before her very eyes and I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it”

Cat seemed taken aback at this… Had she truly forgotten?

“You did what you had to, Wolf” Fell said

"The way you killed Collin, though...” Cat began “that can be chalked up to bloodlust, and that I understand. Losing it in the heat of the moment....it's not a foreign feeling. But Whitecrow treated Moral like a sport and approached the whole thing with a formula, a plan-- and a conscious desire to draw it out. He plays head games for shits and giggles. Not because those are his orders, not because he feeds the monster inside of him, but because it adds to his score.”

“Hmm”

“Besides, that's not all of you. Your work doesn't consume your life. That's not the person I see every day. And that lets me take a step back from it all and accept it. That's why I could look at Ryan the way I did and see the good person instead of the contract killer."

We continued our work silently as I considered what she said.

Cat finally spoke up again

"Wolf? Do you mind if I ask your opinion on something?"

“Go right ahead”

"What I posted about a few nights ago....I don't know what to think of any of it. I don't know if I want to believe Fear.....that those are really his memories. And if they are, if it's true.....some of them, I'm afraid to see. I just....I don't want it. I don't know if I can do some of this again."

I thought for a while, then said

“Oh Cat… I’m not sure what to say…

I understand not wanting to go through it again. I know it hurts… but… well… I know Diaemus loved you and I know that if any part of him still exists, then he still loves you… Maybe, that in mind, these memories might help you in the long run. Help you put things in perspective, you know?”

She nodded and was silent for a few minutes

"I think what scares me is the whole idea that a part of him is lingering. I love him just as much as he loves....loved....me, and I'm scared to death that he's still here and suffering. I'm scared that he's going through it again, too. Even if it helps me....I can't bear to imagine that it's still hurting him."

My mind raced over the possibilities. I struggled to find the right words, starting and stopping a few times before finally saying

“I know, Cat… but he obviously thought that this was important enough, that this was worth it… And… somehow, I can’t imagine that he’s hurting… Worried about you maybe, but not hurting. Maybe he just wants to make sure you’ll be okay”

Cat seemed to consider this for a time

“I’m sorry” I said “I’m truly sorry that I failed to save him”

“Don't you dare blame yourself! It’s not your fault and I don’t want you to feel guilty over it. You did more than I could and it means so much to me that you came to the rescue in the first place; that you’re still here after everything that’s happened”

“Well… the way I see it is that I wouldn’t be much of a big sister if I didn’t stick around to make sure you’re alright.”

Cat gave a small smile at this and we continued on with our work until Fell spoke up again

  

“My sister is dead and I don’t feel a fucking thing.” She said suddenly “I even made a joke when bitchface posted about it.”

“Maybe it’s because I’ve been preparing myself for her death since she met with your boyfriend” she said, glancing at me “Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like she was really my sister by the end, after what happened between us.”

“It’s okay, Fell.” I said “You can’t help the way you feel”

She nodded and continued

“I think this new life that you and the Tailor have given me has something to do with it too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a lot fucking happier this way but being so focused on my new purpose sort of pushes everything else out. It’s like it’s all muted by comparison”

My mind again went to work, searching for the right thing to say

“I understand, believe me. I obviously know what it’s like to be entrenched in a purpose, to feel Ritter’s influence like that. I’m glad to know that you’re happy too. Don’t ruin it by trying to force feelings that aren’t there; hold on to it instead. And speaking of your purpose. I want you to know that, as far as I’m concerned you’ve been doing wonderfully. You completed your revenge, you fought well against those Rake dogs, you took care of Cat in my absence and you took care of me when I returned”

She started to smile

“I want to make you proud, Wolf”

“You have and you do”

She grinned at this

“Sparring session tomorrow?” she asked

“Absolutely”