Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Got my knife back

Saint decided to return the knife he had taken from me by stabbing me in the shoulder today during one of his particularly heated lectures.

“You are weak because you doubt Him!” He snarled, digging the blade in deeper with one hand as he held me by the throat up against the wall with the other
“Perhaps you are not worthy to serve Father after all. Perhaps you are just like those who inspired your revenge, or worse.” He let go of my knife and brought out one of his own and sank it into my side.
“You’re nothing but a cowering dog, or maybe a scared little girl playing wolf” A final knife was produced and plunged into my middle. He let me go; the blades still embedded in my flesh
“NO!” I snarled back. Summoning all my strength, I grasped the handle of the knife in my shoulder and pulled it out, catching myself before I crumpled to my knees.
“I am none of those things. They were stupid and afraid. I am not. I am a better monster… Stronger than they ever knew… I am stronger than you know, Angel. I have given Ritter everything I’ve got in the past and I will continue to do so.”
I pulled out the second knife, this time unable to stop the fall.
“I have no doubts anymore” I pulled out the third, then fell unconscious.

I woke up to the sound of his voice. I was in my bed and Saint was standing by the side, offering praises to Ritter like a quiet, constant prayer. I remained silent and listened. My silence was not forced this time, but was born of respect.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Sorry for the abrupt end to the last post but I felt someone outside so I figured I should check it out fast. I put on my mask, took up one of my knives and made my way to the door. I didn’t bother with the branch I had previously used for support as I didn’t want to appear weak. I knew it was another proxy, but I could not yet be sure of their intent, so I decided to exercise caution. I looked out to see a man clad in black robes emerging like a ghost from the dead end path.

As he drew nearer, I called out a greeting and asked who he was. “Hello Sister” was his response. Two piercing, cold, blue eyes met my gaze from under the hood of his robes. I asked him again, who he was.  Now face to face, he responded “Father has sent me to assist you”. Then, in a series of swift movements he disarmed me and knocked me to the ground. A solid kick to my gut kept me there. It was embarrassing how easily he brought me down; my weakened state fully revealed. He continued, “You carry doubt in your heart, Sister. I am to purge you of it.”
At this, I realized who he was and as soon as I caught my breath, I began to laugh 
“How nice of you to finally come see me, Angel! And you’re every bit the gentle guide I thought you’d be!”
Saint rewarded my irreverence with another kick, then hauled me into the cabin, and forced me into a chair.   

“Look, before you continue beating the shit out of me, can we just talk like two civilized killers for a second?”

“I only did what was necessary to disarm you and to encourage respect”

“Right… well… not that I don’t appreciate the company, but I would like to know why Ritter sent you when I already accepted responsibility for carrying out his orders”

“Father knows the doubt in your heart. He wishes you to be free of it so that you may be at your best for him.”

As I’ve said before, Ritter’s song has been in my mind constantly since he took me. At this point, it began to carry the suggestion to trust Saint.

I wondered why Ritter was so concerned about my doubts when I was still doing what he asked. And why didn't he just “fix” my mind to his liking if they were so worrisome when he had no trouble taking control before?  I supposed I should be happy that he didn't, but it still piqued my curiosity.  I knew I was too weakened to fight my way out and Ritter’s song was sedating me again. I could only sit and listen as Saint explained that we should have no doubts about our orders and that we should embrace our duties for we serve a higher purpose. Those who hurt me only served their own pathetic designs, we serve Ritter’s glory.

Saint has continued to lecture me on those subjects since then. Even though he allows me to eat and to take care of myself in terms of sleep or cleanliness, I have not been truly allowed a moment of peace or privacy. I don’t know if he has slept since he got here, despite my offering of the other bedroom. If feels like he is always at my side, always watching, always speaking of what I must do, occasionally beating, cutting or… otherwise hurting me to drive his point home.  He is watching me as I type this now. I haven’t asked for mercy, nor will I. I know it will not come and I know it is not deserved. Through tears of pain, I have sworn not to fear whatever must happen to me.  

Saturday, January 14, 2012


I walked down the dead end path today. Ritter told me to do it. I had to use a fallen branch for support. As I walked, I started to think of another path; of my woods, the area I knew so well.  It seemed so clear in my mind. This wasn’t the first time I had thought of my woods while pacing the path, but this time I felt a tremor in the ground that grew stronger with every step. I fell to my knees as the trees that blocked the path shifted and made way for me to pass through. Once the tremors stopped I got up and continued, finally stepping onto the path that was in my mind. I was back in my woods; back on the Island. The ground was covered with snow as opposed to the bare dead grass of the place I had previously been. I turned around, but saw no trace of the unnatural place that had been my home for the past few weeks. I felt a warm liquid running down over my lips and realized that my nose was bleeding. I stopped it as best I could with my sleeve and made my way out of the woods.

Somehow, I managed to drag myself to a store without collapsing. I must have looked horrible because the cashier asked me if I needed help or if she wanted me to call someone. I thanked her and said no, then bought a loaf of bread which, once outside, I proceeded to snack on as I walked. I did not allow myself to eat all I wanted, as I feared that would just make me sick, so I put what was left back into the bag and went about getting more food and other supplies. I then felt the compulsion to return to the cabin. I wasn’t exactly eager but I knew that ignoring it would do no good. Even if I wanted to, I’m not in any condition to run and I have no place else to go so I attempted to return the same way I left; by focusing on my destination. It worked.  The tremors returned and the landscape changed around me. I was on the dead end path again. I came back to the cabin, stopped my returning nosebleed, and put away my supplies. Since then, I have been alternating between sleep, catching up with a few of you and allowing myself to have small portions of bread. I need to pace myself.

I also need to regain my strength. I’m hoping Ri

There’s someone outside

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Thursday, January 5, 2012


I remember what I’m supposed to do… It came to me while I was asleep.

Ritter told me, back when he took me; when I knew most keenly what it was to lose myself.

It was among the other compulsions and intents he filled my mind with.

I also know why he’s been keeping me here like this….

My dear employer was giving me time to remember it on my own; to let my mind heal itself

How sweet

But of course, that isn’t the only reason… Oh Hell no
This was a threat to ensure that I would do as ordered. He could just keep me here like this forever if he wanted to… He could also make things much worse. .

I… I don’t know if I can do it

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t gone soft. If he wanted me to kill someone, wonderful. Torture in and of itself would be just dandy too, be it for information or for its own sake.  

But this…

I know there are others who do this kind of thing… and I don’t judge them for it, for various reasons but this new task carries bitter memories for me

I think Ritter knows that… Probably why he wants me to do it

I need to think about this