I told her not to go

I knew she was devastated, though she was trying her best not to show it. I knew she wasn’t thinking clearly, and I told her so, but she went anyway. Up to this point, she had at least been careful about her hunting, making it quick so she wasn’t leaving me or the threshold alone for too long. This time, however, the night passed by while I stayed up, anxiously waiting for her to come back.

When she finally came home, I felt a surge of relief, but that was quickly replaced by a pit in my stomach. Her eyes were glazed over, and she was caked in blood. At first, I was worried she was hurt because there was so much of it. As she got closer, however, I realized that none of it was hers. It only got worse when my eyes shifted down to her second mouth. Caught between the teeth, was a tiny finger.

“Wolf… What did you do?” I asked.

“Hart, please..” she started

“No. What did you do?” I demanded

“I… lost control… I’m sorry”

I’ve been in my room since she told me what happened. She had travelled to a tiny rural community a couple of hours away and let herself into a house, intending to kill the people inside and return home. Unfortunately, they weren’t enough of an “outlet” for her, so she went to another house, and another, and another, killing and eating her emotions away until there was no one left. 

I’m still in shock. That was such a fucking stupid thing to do, especially now, when we already have so many enemies. I know she’s hurting but she’s not the only one. She ignored me yet again and then kept me waiting and worried sick while she risked both our lives taking her pain out on children! Jesus Christ that makes it so much worse.

She’s been trying to apologize through the door, but I’m not opening it for her yet. At least she still cares enough to do that, but I’m going to need some time before I can forgive her for this. After what she did though, I don’t know how much time we have left.

I keep thinking about her

It’s been over a year since I left the Wolf, and I still miss her. It still feels like part of me is gone.

I’m not going back to her, though. I can’t.

…

I never forgot what she did, you know. Not really.

She hurt me. She hurt me so fucking bad over and over again- cutting me up and stitching me back together for two months.

Two fucking months of torture; of ripping away everything I had- everything I was- and forcing my dependency on her just to make it stop.

I never forgot any of that, but I kept finding ways to justify it.

I had to find some way to cope with what she did, and she made those justifications feel good. She made me feel good and I started to love her for that.

How couldn’t I? She was so kind to me after she got what she wanted, or rather, what HE wanted. She made me stronger and taught me how to fight, how to kill, how to do every fucking dirty job the Tailor required. She was my savior who would never leave me to die like Josh did. Of course I loved her.

Then she told me that she loved me too. What a fucking lie. Imagine doing all that shit to someone and following it up with an “I love you”

Maybe some part of her needed to believe it, just like I did. Maybe she was trying to cope with what she had done on behalf of the faceless fuck. I know that bothered her. Or maybe she was just trying to cope with the loss of her precious "Sunshine".

She still did it, though. Whatever her reasons, they don't change that fact, and I can’t justify it away anymore. The problem is, I still love her.

I hate her. I hate what she did, but I still love her… It’s like a fucked up addiction and it hurts.

I won’t let those feelings control me, though. I won’t go back, no matter how much I miss feeling her arms around me.

No matter how much I’d like to feel my hands around her neck