Sunday, May 11, 2014


The kid already gave you an idea of what’s been going on here so I thought I should probably say something too.

Obviously, we ain’t dead yet, but with the way Fell has been acting that might not be case for much longer

At least she’s been doing what the boss tells her but that’s practically all she does aside from necessities like getting groceries. She won’t let us come with her on missions which is worrying because I know that she’s taking more risks. Making things worse is that I’ve seen her sneaking bottles into her room. I don’t know if she thinks she’s being clever or if she just thinks I’m stupid enough not to know what the fuck she’s doing. I know she wants to die but I don’t want that to happen because she's my friend and I care about her and because I don’t want to be trapped here if she gets herself killed.

Also, I’ve been trying to train Whelp but it would go a lot smoother if Fell would get off her ass and help.
I’m sorry, I’m just frustrated. Wolf taught me to endure but I’m running out of patience and possibly out of time if this keeps up. Fell still won’t talk to me about any of this and when I try to push the issue- Let’s just say it doesn’t go well. 

I’m not giving up on her just yet. I know Wolf wouldn’t. 


  1. Don't give up on her, we need all the pieces in place, they have been falling off rapidly.

    Glad we agree that she needs to man up, all this cry baby shit, is quite naive and hence is getting on my nerves, simply form reading it. Pathetic, to think that a person is so limited, that they simply can't start building a new.

  2. I’m doing my fucking job what the fuck else you want from me?

    1. What do I want? I want you to talk to me. I want you to be able to sleep in your own god damn bed instead of on the floor. I want you to stop drowning yourself in booze and to stop coming home looking like you just jammed yourself into a fucking blender

    2. I’m doing what the fuck I need to so I can do my job! You know? That thing that the tall fucker with no face wants me to do or he’ll kinda sorta kill our fucking asses. So I get a little messy, who gives a shit? The blood reminds me of her. So I have a couple drinks, what the fuck of it? It helps me do what I gotta do

    3. Wolf was so much more than the blood she spilled

    4. FUCK YOU! I fucking know that! I also know that she was a cutter! She was allowed to have her relief so fuck off and let me have mine!

    5. I know she was a cutter, but she was careful about it. She forced herself to be for our sake- for your sake. I also know that you did your best to stop her from feeling like she needed that relief

    6. That was different! You wanted to talk? There, we just did. I’m fucking done and you will fucking stop right the fuck now

    7. No, you know what you're doing Motormouth? You're trying to get yourself so drunk, that when you go out on a job, you get killed, you hope that will happen to you, because you simply can't commit suicide, because that will go against everything that Knitty believed in.

      Now I don't know what she believed in, but I have one certainty about her, she was never an egoist, I doubt she would ever commit suicide, hence why you won't do it. But you think you're clever, you think you found a loop hole, get shit faced and hope that you get murdered on one of your missions.

      Guess what, not only is that basically the same thing, that might also result in death of a couple of few other close friends, maybe not yours, but Knitty's (Hart).

      We're not telling you what to do, in reality, me personally, I could care less, go drink yourself to death. But last bits of naivety in me keep kicking in. And so, once again, we tell you to stop, take a mirror and take a really long look in there.

      Now let's wait, for your usual cursing, insult filled reply.

    8. Kelevra, take my cursing, insult filled reply you fucking idiot.

      I'm sick of people like you and Incognito thinking you know what it's like to be suicidal when you clearly don't. Fuck. You. You call suicidal people selfish when you don't even give the time of day to stop and fucking use your heads.

      You just barge into the conversation like a fucking know-all and tell us to "throw the idea of suicide out the window" and it makes me I'll to my fucking stomach. If it was that simple, there'd be no suicide, you think people CHOOSE to feel this way?

      Guess what? Calling her selfish IS NOT FUCKING HELPFUL you fuck. It's HARMFUL. It's a tonne of shit, all you had to fucking do was a Google search to get more insight - at LEAST, but it seems you're too fucking arrogant for that!!!

      It's not our fucking job to educate you on what it feels like when dying becomes more appealing than living.

      On behalf of Fell and suicidal people everywhere - FUCK YOU!!!!

    9. *ill to my stomach.

      Fucking cancerous. Fucking arrogant, unfathomably ignorant little shit.

      You owe Fell a goddam apology.

    10. DISCLAIMER: We're still friends, Kelevra. But if the previous comments made you feel highly uncomfortable, that's a fraction of how suicidal people feel when they read your comments about them being selfish.

      When you're depressed, medically so, insults are so much worse, everything is against you, sounds are louder and lights are too bright, whole world is against you.

      So don't make it worse for Fell.

      Now you know.

    11. An apology? For giving her true facts? Hell, you practically commented the same thing below, only in a more "softer" way. I think you missed the part, where I say that I could really care less if she kills herself, you want to act like Mother Teresa? Be my guest, I prefer to tell things like they are, because ultimately it is an act of egoism, I mean lets look at some aspects of suicide:

      Life shits on you so hard, that you want to kill yourself, as if life doesn't shit on anyone except for you.

      You want to kill yourself, walk away, rather than dig through the piles of shit, like everyone else does, what makes you so special to allow you take an easy way out?

      When you kill yourself, you don't think about the repercussions, you don't think about how it will affect everyone else. Or, if you do, than that makes you ten times worse, because you are consciously making the lives of those who care about you miserable.

      And final, by committing suicide, you are practically spitting in the face of those who made you feel happiness, love and warmth in this world, you are spitting in the face of those who showed you the beautiful aspects of life. You are spitting in the face of Knitty, completely ignoring her sacrifice to save you and completely disrespecting her wishes for you to live on, after she is gone.

      Remember that comment conversation you and Knitty had on my blog? About how she wanted you to live on, after she was gone. You're telling me, you're going to ignore that completely? Wow, some lover you turned out to be.

      It is that simple, people are just weak. it is due to that weakness that we have wars, murders, etc...

      You're right, I don't know how being Suicidal feels, then again, I don't care how it feels, all I know, it's selfish. And if Suicidal people are going to get mad at the truth, well, the truth hurts, get used to it.

    12. Firstly, Mother Teresa was a Catholic, Catholics say you go to hell if you commit suicide. Believe it or not, I'm the person going against the grain here. You are maintaining the status quo that causes suicide in the first place.

      My desire for suicide, believe it or not, stems from wanting to get out if everyone's way. Low self esteem makes you believe you're constantly in the way. Egoist? Say what you like, I spend every second believing as much, until I come face to face with the facts.

      You need to start accepting facts. People who want to commit suicide are ill. Would you tell a leukaemia patient to get over it? Of course you wouldn't; leukaemia is an imbalance of chemicals in the blood. And depression is an imbalance of chemicals in the brain such as serotonin. Depression is as physical as any illness.

      Would you tell a bone cancer patient, "oh well, life shits on everyone, dont die or you'll be spitting in the face of your family". No. Because it's totally irrelevant to the issue at hand.

      Here's the truth: you clearly know nothing about suicidal tendencies. Nothing at all. The more you talk, the more glaringly obvious it becomes just how far out of your depth you are.

      You are not some champion of hard truth. You're a person who has literally no idea what he is talking about. It's like watching someone have an acid trip.

      It's a condition I've lived with all my life, yet here you are, with no experience of such things telling me I'm wrong about my own goddam condition which I know more about than you. It's not even insulting; it's just sad.

      So either get in the know, or shut your darling mouth and let the grown-ups talk.

    13. An illness? Is that the excuse we're using here today? Ok, so is alcoholism an illness too? Is it an illness when daddy beats up mommy? So if it's an illness, then I guess the child who is observing all of it, must forgive their father, just because he is ill. I mean, isn't anger, frustration, depression, any sort of feeling also a combination of chemicals in the brain?

      So I guess you can't really blame Artsyom for anything, since you know, he is ill, shit happens, oh well. Or maybe, let us not think badly of all the rapists in the world, since it's an illness, they can't help it, right?

      Cancer? Well he can't help it, while a suicidal person can, not a good comparison.

      No, I don't know anything about them, I'm not trying to seem like I do. I don't get it, every time I say something about something, people instantly assume that I'm trying to seem like I know everything about this, or that. I don't, thank God I don't, cause I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror.

      Now depression on the other hand, I felt it, so what? Got over it next day.

      What I do know, is the repercussions suicide has on other people and it doesn't take to be a pro on the subject to understand how parents are feeling when their child committed suicide, they feel like shit, some of them even follow after the child. What has that child achieved? Oh he got out, but also by dragging others behind him/her.

      Never said you're wrong, I'm saying that you're just a massive pussy for even considering that option and I hope you do, do it, all I'm saying (P.S. I don't really want you to die).

      So, you can just stop mis-interpreting my words and get through your thick skull, that I'm not trying to seem like a professional in this, or that, cause I'm not.


      Depression is an illness. The fact I have to even tell you this is just baffling. Depression was, is, and always will be an illness. That's why the World Health Organisation and the NHS recognises it. It is an illness as real as bronchitis, or cancer. Among scientists and psychologists, there is absolutely no doubt it exists.

      As for your own comparisions:

      --Emotions are chemicals, but they aren't chemical *imbalances*. So angry people are not ill when compared to a depressed person; the angry peep's brain is still functioning as it should, in the same way a person with functioning blood isn't ill VS the anaemic person who has a chemical imbalance.

      -Violence, be it physical violence, sexual violence, etc. is an act, not an illness. Statistically, people with mental illnesses are commit violence with only the same frequency as healthy people. Apropos of nothing, a person with a mental illness is more likely to be a victim of violence than a healthy person.

      --Alcoholism is an illness, but violence from alcoholics is caused by the actual alcohol they consume, not the mental and physical dependency on it.

      That's just my very elaborate way of saying: you're wrong.

      And I can bloody well tell you've never had depression. If you could "get over" depression, there'd be no depression. But you can't, so there is, simple as. The very nature of depression means you can't simply "get over it"... especially not the next day. It's not just feeling down or sad. Ho-boy, no sir it ain't. I'm not even going to try and describe to you what it's like, you could never possibly understand how it feels to actually feel like such a burden on the Earth that you want to die. You're privileged in that sense, I wouldn't wish depression on anyone, not even Artsyom.

      You said you were trying to "tell things like they are" or some shit. But you aren't. You're spouting vindictive, uninformed bullshit over Fell's feet and you're simply masquerading yourself as some kind of straight-talking guy just to cover your ass.

      People don't commit suicide to escape the world as a collective. People commit suicide because there is a tipping point, a point where they feel so helpless and such a burden on their loved ones, that suddenly life and death have similar amounts of appeal. Since I was eleven I wanted to get out of my family's way because I felt like an emotional and financial burden. Suicide was just one manifestation of that. Running away was another. Bulimia was a third attempt.

      Speaking of egoism.

      Egoism is when you put the experiences of your own over thousands of others.

      Egoism is when you think you know better than the very people suffering under the subject matter.

      Egoism is when you think you know better than actual fucking scientists who study the subject matter.

      Egoism is when you have the sheer balls to claim you're just straight-talking when you're actually just shit-talking and you know you are.

      Egoism is when you accuse everyone else of being some kind of weak monolith falling prey to petty things you can rise above.

      Egoism is when you have Google at your fucking fingertips and you don't even think to use it.

      So let me ask you your own question.

      What makes you so special?

  3. Sounds like someone is acting like a bratty child...

  4. Why is poor Fell not allowed to mourn, eh?

    Also, why do you people think that calling her a selfish brat is in any way helpful?

    1. I'm not saying she can't mourn but I can't just sit here and watch her kill herself.

  5. OK, Fell.

    Right now? I know how you feel. It fucking sucks. You want to curl up, fall asleep, and never wake up again, right? Lights are way too bright, sounds are too loud, you can't concentrate. It feels like you could bleed out the sadness if you tried. It feels like you don't deserve to have life-giving blood running through you.

    First, acknowledge you have a problem and this is how you feel, you can't change anything until you realise what's going on. Ignore anyone who says your feelings are invalid. Anybody who thinks like that is ill-informed, and arrogant enough to think they know better than tried and tested science.

    Cutting is also a bad idea. In 2009, twelve year old me was admitted to hospital after I let it get too far and it devolved into an almost successful suicide attempt. I upset my entire family when they found out; I never realised how much it hurt them, in the end it just wasn't worth it. Created more problems than it solved. I foresee the same dynamic with drinking. This is not what the Wolf would want for you.

    I'm not promising it's going to be easy to pull through this. Hell, I'm guaranteeing that it's going to a horrible uphill struggle. But I know you'll do it, for the Wolf, for Hart, for Whelp, but more than anything, do it for yourself, realise we need badass bitches in this world.

    You can talk to me anytime, my blog, my email, is always open. Hart and Whelp are also around and I cannot imagine them turning their backs on you.