I keep thinking about her

It’s been over a year since I left the Wolf, and I still miss her. It still feels like part of me is gone.

I’m not going back to her, though. I can’t.

…

I never forgot what she did, you know. Not really.

She hurt me. She hurt me so fucking bad over and over again- cutting me up and stitching me back together for two months.

Two fucking months of torture; of ripping away everything I had- everything I was- and forcing my dependency on her just to make it stop.

I never forgot any of that, but I kept finding ways to justify it.

I had to find some way to cope with what she did, and she made those justifications feel good. She made me feel good and I started to love her for that.

How couldn’t I? She was so kind to me after she got what she wanted, or rather, what HE wanted. She made me stronger and taught me how to fight, how to kill, how to do every fucking dirty job the Tailor required. She was my savior who would never leave me to die like Josh did. Of course I loved her.

Then she told me that she loved me too. What a fucking lie. Imagine doing all that shit to someone and following it up with an “I love you”

Maybe some part of her needed to believe it, just like I did. Maybe she was trying to cope with what she had done on behalf of the faceless fuck. I know that bothered her. Or maybe she was just trying to cope with the loss of her precious "Sunshine".

She still did it, though. Whatever her reasons, they don't change that fact, and I can’t justify it away anymore. The problem is, I still love her.

I hate her. I hate what she did, but I still love her… It’s like a fucked up addiction and it hurts.

I won’t let those feelings control me, though. I won’t go back, no matter how much I miss feeling her arms around me.

No matter how much I’d like to feel my hands around her neck  

It’s almost Christmas again

Josh always liked this time of the year, so I guess I might as well unwrap this shit and talk about him now.

My first lover and my first victim. I guess he popped my cherry twice.

Oh wait, three times, since he was the one who fucking exposed me to the Tailor in the first place. One day, he started talking about seeing this “ghost” or “demon” or whatever. At first, I thought he was joking, then I thought he was imagining it. Finally, he started showing me pictures and stories of supposed encounters with it. Some were his, some were from other unlucky fucks, posting their last days online. Soon after, the Tailor started appearing to me. You titflickers know how the fucking story goes. He shows up, the proxies follow, the running starts and shit hits the fan. Rinse and fucking repeat.  

Me and Josh had been together for a couple of years before all that bullshit, though, so I trusted him. I loved him and I really thought he felt the same way about me. I thought I fucking KNEW him so wherever he ran. I went with him. I was so fucking stupid. Stupid to think we were going to be okay somehow; to let him make me feel safe. But…there were times when he protected me…. Why did he do that?

Maybe he was just keeping me around as an extra set of hands to cover his ass; an emergency meat shield in case we ever got cornered. I guess it sorta worked, since he got away… until we caught up to him a few months later.

He apologized then, but I wonder if he was ever truly sorry for leaving me.

I guess he could have just been half awake and acting on instincts, the night I was taken. There wasn’t much he could have done since the Wolf grabbed me and teleported the fuck out. Maybe it was panic that drove him to justify his actions the way he did. Maybe it’s just easier for me to keep believing that he didn’t care at all and that he deserved to die. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I’m probably giving him more credit than I should. He left me. He didn’t even try to help. I don’t know why I’m suddenly trying to paint him as anything but a cowardly little bitch.

I guess there’s a part of me that wants to believe that someone actually loved me.    

This is fucking pathetic. Fuck that bandaged cunt for dragging this shit back up. Wherever he went, I hope he fucking rots there.

Concerned

I noticed Fell started posting again, but I doubt she wants my opinions so I’m not going to comment on them. I’m just glad to know that she’s still out there.

As for Wolf and I, well, we’ve been training constantly and harder than ever. When we’re not doing that, we’re doing security checks or hunting, which has resulted in freezers packed full of both animal and human meat. It’s creepy how similar it all looks sometimes, but we keep it labelled. While she’s pushing me harder, at least she still doesn’t mind that I don’t eat long pig.

What’s stranger than her increased hunting is that she doesn’t -er- “play with her food” anymore. No more tormenting them for days, weeks or months. No more “art”, just killing and consumption.

I know that keeping busy is probably helping her cope with Fell leaving, and I never thought I’d be complaining about not having her fucked up “projects” wandering around, but this isn’t like her and that worries me.  

There was also an… incident…

The mystery kid came back. I don’t know why. I had started to think that his appearance was just a fluke, and we had seen the last of him, but there he was, snooping around like he had been before. The poor kid looked terrible- painfully thin, and scared- but he kept going, disappearing around the corner of one of the cabins.

I thought Wolf was going to try to catch or kill him, but instead she took up a plate of food and went out, placing it on the ground in front of the main building. Coming back to the door, she called out to the kid- alerting him to the dinner waiting for him- before slipping back inside.

I didn’t think he was going to go for it, but the kid must have been starved beyond reason because after a few minutes, he emerged from his hiding spot and cautiously made his way to the plate. It was kind of like watching a nervous squirrel eat as he stuffed his mouth while looking all around, probably expecting an attack. I was about to question what she was up to when I noticed the smirk on her face. With a sinking sensation, I went to the fridge and realized what she had given him. It was then that Wolf opened the window and informed the kid that he had just eaten human flesh.

I didn’t see his reaction, but I sure heard Wolf’s laughter over it.

Wolf was never one to torment kids, except for Whelp and, in that case, at least there was a point. This was pointless. She has always said that hurting kids doesn’t bring her satisfaction, but now she’s made a cannibal out of one… and after going so long without torturing anybody… 

She laughed off my concern, when I brought it up, saying that it was just a bit of fun.

Maybe I’m overthinking it. She didn’t physically hurt the kid. She let him go. Maybe it shouldn’t bother me like this, but it just feels wrong

I guess I’ll start off with

the aftermath of the bandaged cock-locket cheap shotting me with his cancer AIDS like the sore loser little bitch he is.

Well at first, it was like a non-stop fucking shouting match with the idiot. Weeks and weeks of his bullshit trying to wear me down and drown me out and never shutting the fuck up. If you’ve been unlucky enough to meet his annoying ass, you can imagine how un-fucking-bearable that was, but then it started fucking with my sight too! Sometimes, there were shadows but other times it was like looking at a double exposure; things layered on top of other things. I guess it was trying to confuse me or shock me into fucking submission by bringing up my worst fucking memories along with shit that wasn’t mine and playing it all out in front of me and- it’s hard to explain, okay?

You know, it makes me wonder… How close was this to what Whelp went through?  

At least I got some relief from the fucking constant fight for control since I had the Wolf to hang onto when I needed her (that’s kind of fucking funny now, but anyway)

As much as we tried, me and Hart couldn’t always be there for Whelp. For her to be able to stand up to that on her own- she was stronger than we gave her credit for.

Whelp. Laura. She didn’t deserve any of what happened to her. No kid deserves that.

I really wish things could have been different.

But I can’t fucking change that.

Back to the point, when it realized that driving me out of my own fucking mind wasn’t going to work, the shit tried to be all diplomatic- as if I’d want to be best buddies after it made me relive all that. I told it to shut the fuck up and I kept telling it to shut the fuck up until it finally stopped trying. Why the fuck would I care what a fucking parasite has to say? What’s next? A heart to heart with a fucking tapeworm?

At least I could get rid of a tapeworm. There’s no getting rid of this shit (at least, no way that I know) but that doesn’t mean I have to get all cozy with it. It’s as close to locked up as that kind of thing can get and I’m never fucking letting it out. 

I’m done taking orders and having my mind fucked with. I’m in control here; not the Wolf, not Corpsefucker, and not the Tailor or his piss-eyed pet.

TL;DR the cancer AIDS tried to break my ass down with mind games and failed. It did manage to bring some shit into sharp fucking focus though and that’s why I’m on this little road trip trying to process all of it now.

Well shit

this place is fucking dead

I wasn’t expecting my post to be the last fucking word here.

Maybe they’re laying low like every other motherfucker.

As for me, I’ve been moving around from place to place. Odd job to odd job. Break and enter to break and enter. Whatever it takes to get by. 

Thankfully, I've managed to avoid that covid shit through it all too. 

Oh hey, maybe that’s why they’ve been quiet; they got the ‘rona lol

I wonder if the Wolf can even get sick.

Another fucking thing to think about, I guess.

I’ve been thinking about a lot since I left.

It’s all so fucking confusing. Fucking complicated.

 

Maybe writing it out will help. Going around in fucking circles in my own brain certainly hasn’t gotten me anywhere and I gotta deal with this somehow

GTFO

I can't stay here anymore.

I don’t know where the fuck I’m going but I need to be away from here and away from the Wolf.

I have a lot of shit to think about.

Also, shut the fuck up crapwrappers. We're not family and never fucking will be.

Fuck titles

 My name is Fell. I’m 33 years old.

My favorite color is blue. She made the text that color just for me.

I’m from Ontario. I came here because I was trying to run from the fucking Tailor

I love the Wolf. She made me strong and taught me how to fight. She’s the reason I’m even fucking alive right now

 

 

Something is wrong. I know it’s all true but why doesn’ it fucking look right?