Saturday, August 23, 2014

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking

Since Wolf’s death, I’ve been so focused on Whelp and Fell that I never really gave myself a chance to properly mourn.

It’s funny how things change. When I first got here, I was sure that Wolf and Fell were going to kill me. I’m pretty damn sure that’s how it would have ended with Osprey and Falcon if things had kept going the way they were. So much for joining the boss for self-preservation right? Well, even if they had killed me I still would have lived longer than I was going to as a runner.

Back to what I was saying, that fear stayed with me for a while, even as Wolfie came back from the mind screw. Even as she protected me and told me I was family. It’s a difficult thing to get used to- to have this soft spoken person treat you with kindness and then torture someone to death right in front of you or order you to kill.

All the same, I was getting used to it, but what clinched it was her vulnerability. After what Carmine did I realized that she could really be hurt and that made me want to protect her. I know how stupid that sounds. I know that she didn’t need it and ultimately I couldn’t protect her any more than a deer could protect a wolf. Hah.

I still tried. I’m still trying for the sake of her memory and for Fell. I’m not in this for my own survival anymore. I’m here because Fell is. I still haven’t totally forgiven her, but I’m sticking with her because she’s still my friend and all I have left.

She’s finally taking responsibility for herself and for us. I think Wolf would be happy to see that. She doesn’t leave the cabin without me anymore and beyond that, she’s started knitting again. It’s not like it was before. It’s quiet. We usually just end up sitting together, silently watching movies. But at least she’s trying.  

I’m glad for that

I don’t want to lose her too.

As for the kid, she’s gone. She left a while ago. It was hard to let her go because she’s so young and I wanted to protect her too, but it was her decision to make and she understood the risks. If the boss says we have to go after her

we will.


  1. It doesn't sound stupid at all, in fact, it is the very opposite of stupid. The fact that you loved her so much as family, that you were willing to protect her despite her flaws. That is a very smart thing to say and admit, love brings out the better in everyone.

    Hope Whelp will be alright.

    1. Thanks. If nothing else, it's good to know that I didn't just make an ass of myself.

      I hope so too, but it's better for her if I don't know.