Friday, March 14, 2014

My story's end

Oh dear, it’s one of those dreary farewell posts. Did something like this once before, but unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on where you stand) there are no maybes this time

Had to happen eventually. No one lives forever.

By the time you see this, I will be dead; which in this case could mean that I have either successfully completed my final orders or failed horribly. I certainly hope it was the former.

If we have done our jobs well, then the priest and his followers will be dead too, along with their “god”. Oh how faithful a flock. As I write this, they plot and prepare to bring that thing into our world. For those who haven’t been keeping up, it’s not the Archangel. I’ve known that for a while. Of course, I still don’t know what it is but it is definitely not the Archangel. Doesn’t stop Ritter from wanting it dead. Doesn’t stop it from wanting to kill Ritter and everyone with a bit of Azoth attached to them.

That’s what Ritter has explained to me anyway… Could be lying, I suppose, but he should know he doesn’t have to. Given my dreams; given Skein’s reaction when I snuck in there before, I tend to believe him. That little ghost town feels utterly oppressive; rotten, sickening…. I figure I was only able get in because Skein is not part of Ritter any more, thus it is not…. Pure? I suppose. Skein apparently has become part of me enough… has changed enough so as not to burn by just entering the place.

Back to the point, Ritter has tasked me with killing this “god”- a feat which will result in my death as well. That’s fine with me… Never was the sort to desperately cling to my own life anyway. I wanted to take care of those close to me while savoring what life had to offer until it was over. I believe that’s exactly what I have done and what I will die doing. Not only that, but I will likely have one hell of a spectacular death. I couldn’t ask for more.

During my time as a Proxy, I have experienced so much. I have felt excruciating pain and I have inflicted it on others. I have listened to wails of agony as I carved designs in red. I have destroyed. I have broken. I have lost. I have taken. I have ended. I have hated and have, myself, been hated.

At the same time, I have felt such joy and shared it with those close to me. Despite the hardships, I have genuinely smiled more during this time than I ever did in my old life. I have continued my knitting and taught it to others, improved my drawing (at least I like to think it has gotten a little better) and found new outlets for my creativity. I have grown stronger and I have even been able to help some people. Most surprisingly, I have loved and felt loved in return. In my old life, I never thought that would ever happen. Not bad for someone who was going to kill herself back in 2011.
Fell… My strong, loyal, beautiful White Fell. My love. The one who pulled me to the surface when I was drowning in despair and in Ritter. If everything goes the way I want it to, you will survive the mission. I have to tell myself; I have to believe that you will or I will crumble. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you that this would be my last. I know you wouldn’t let me go through with it if you knew. I also didn’t want to spoil our last days together. I hope you can forgive me. I’m dying inside just writing this because I know this will hurt you and I never wanted to do that again…I wish… I wish we could have come to know each other under better circumstances. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you and I wish I could take it all back… Yet… selfishly, I am glad for the time we’ve shared together; all the times I’ve seen you smile. Thank you for staying with me; for loving me despite all of my hateful flaws. Remember your promise to me. I want you to live, to continue being strong by moving on from this and to be happy. Choose a new name for yourself if you so desire. What you do and where you go from here is your decision. I would only ask that you please stay with Hart; take care of him. I’m so proud of you. I love you.

Hart: My friend; my brother… If everything goes the way I want it to, you will survive this, as well. Again, I have to believe that you will. You’ve come so far since we first met…. I wish that I had made things easier on you at the start but I’m glad that we were still able to become friends by the end. I want you to know that I’m proud of you too. Despite your fear you showed loyalty, strength and courage by standing with me; by fighting alongside me and I am honored and grateful for that. Choose a new name for yourself or take back your old one if you wish- Actaeon restored as a hunter rather than torn apart as prey. Now I ask that whatever you decide to do please stay with Fell and take care of her.        

Sunshine: My bittersweet, my catalyst, my bad addiction. Even as my story draws to a close I still have time to think of you. Even now, you hold claim to a small piece of my heart. Even now, part of me cares about you; misses you. I am truly sorry for any pain that I have led you to. I am still grateful to you for the hard times that you’ve helped me through; for keeping me alive. If you are still alive at this point, then I got my wish and I am happy for it. If not, then perhaps I’ll see you in whatever Hell I go to.

Hero: Yes, I am still calling you a hero, Roy because that’s what you are to me. I still don’t know how an old monster like me became so precious to someone like you, but I’m glad for it. You have proven yourself to be a true friend to me. You gave up the advantages that Sagari gave you and literally stabbed her in the back to save me. For that I thank you. I am happy that I was able to be of some help to you too. I know your story is drawing near its end as well so I want you to remember what you have learned, chin up, smile and be strong because you’ll need to be and because I know you are.

Calavera: Friend? Enemy? Which should I call you now? Not surprising that you defy definition even in this regard. You are one who I respect and admire as well as one who I really wish I could have fought. I am glad that I was able to meet you and I thank you for letting me see your lovely scars. Once again, I wish you luck with your goals. You might be wondering why I would do such a thing considering your desire for destruction and my desire for Fell and Hart’s survival. Allow me to explain: Humanity will one day cease to exist- it is inevitable. However, barring natural disasters, I think it should be a human to end us all- or at least one who was originally human and who retains their mind. It should be one acting of their own free will, not one who has been tricked or brainwashed into it. This is the most fitting end to a race so built on intelligence and choice. If you still seek to destroy all, then you match the criteria. Better you than a Fear or a fool in my book.  

Darkleaf: I wish you luck in dealing with that loathsome thing that calls himself your father. I do hope that you will set yourself free soon.

Ritter: No one seems to bother to address you in these goodbye posts. Perhaps it is because they figure that you would already know how they feel. Perhaps they think it pointless to do so since you will never read it nor will you care. Perhaps they are too embittered by the end. Regardless, I still feel I should write something here. First of all, while I have apologized to others for the trouble I have caused them, but I will not apologize to you. I did what I had to do. You did what you had to do. On that note, I just want to say that I’m not angry about any of this. I said it was okay and I meant it. Made my peace with the idea of death at your hand or at your command a long time ago. Heh… I remember that night when you helped me get my revenge how you picked me up like a doll and crushed me until I passed out. I remember being ready to die, so much so that I hugged you right back. I think part of me did die that night… but you let me keep going. I wonder if you did it because you knew what my fate would ultimately be, or if you did it because you wanted to see how far a broken, shy, softhearted toy maker could go. Whatever the reasons, thank you for giving me that chance. As I said, I’ve done and learned and felt so much since then and I am grateful for that. I hope that my work has pleased you.

To the rest who have come here, who have decided with their comments that I am worth talking to: thank you.

To those I know who have found a way out, if you’re seeing this, you shouldn’t be. Keep walking and don’t look back again. Take care of yourselves and those close to you.

The girl looked at the wolf one more time as she drew closer to the end of her chosen path. Steeling her nerves, she turned away from her reflection in a stream that ran alongside the path and finally made her way out of the woods.

The End


  1. Atat de mult timp. Jelesc pentru tine, prietena mea, odihneasca in pace.

    I will kill Artsyom with the same certainty of the sun rising on that glorious day. I promise.

    And please Kelevra, don't end the world until I get him. I know this is the second friend you've lost this year, but if you need to grieve more healthily, feel free to come over for tea and biscuits and weapons.

  2. Seven years, seven years...

    It has been seven years since tears ran down this dry face, not even when Rose died...

    Knitty, KnitWolf...Wolf, thank you.

    Thank you for the kind words you expressed here, they touched my heart. You were one of the few, in fact, I'm afraid you were the only one who understood me in this world, it felt good to have someone who understands you. I will miss you, I will miss you for good, I will miss our conversations.

    I saw your piece fall off the board minutes before this post was published, I thought it was a mistake, I hoped it was a mistake, now I see that I was wrong.

    Thank you, for being you, there will never be a person like you.

    But I refuse that you are completely dead, we still have Fell, Hart, me, Minxie, a bit naive, but that is how it is, as long as the memory of you lives on, you are immortal.

    If my meeting with Incognito will end up with me dying, then I will make sure to find you and join you, so we can have our battle, all the while discussing the beauty of art.

    But for now, farewell Wolf, your tale has come to an end.

  3. Damnit Wolf it's not even 9am and I'm bawling my eyes out. I know we were never particularly close, but I've admired you immensely. Your strength, your writing, and how kind you were to me at Antithesis. And I will always love you for being a friend to my "big sister." You know the one.
    My parting words to you: the best way to go out of this world is tr way you came in - screaming bloody murder covered in someone else's blood.
    Godspeed Wolf. I will remember you.

  4. Replies
    1. You tried what? Crystal meth?

    2. I tried my best to be that person that Wolf credited me with being. I tried to be there for her. I tried to be strong.
      Now I'm trying to keep it together for Fell.
      And for Laura