Peeling Back the Layers

I… I don’t want to talk about this

I have to

I know I have to… If I lose myself I will need to know why I did what I did…

“It has to hurt if it’s to heal”


77 121 32 119 97 110 116 32 102 111 114 32 114 101 118 101 110 103 101 32 100 105 100 32 110 111 116 32 99 111 109 101 32 117 112 32 105 110 32 116 104 101 32 104 101 97 116 32 111 102 32 97 32 109 111 109 101 110 116 46 46 46 32 84 104 105 115 32 119 97 115 32 97 32 104 97 116 101 32 121 101 97 114 115 32 105 110 32 116 104 101 32 109 97 107 105 110 103 13 10 13 10 84 111 32 116 104 111 115 101 32 119 104 111 32 104 97 118 101 32 104 117 114 116 32 109 101 44 32 73 32 97 109 32 97 32 99 114 101 97 116 117 114 101 32 105 110 102 101 114 105 111 114 32 105 110 32 109 111 114 97 108 115 44 32 115 112 105 114 105 116 117 97 108 105 116 121 44 32 97 112 112 101 97 114 97 110 99 101 44 32 97 110 100 32 112 101 114 115 111 110 97 108 105 116 121 46 32 73 32 97 109 32 115 117 98 104 117 109 97 110 59 32 105 110 32 116 104 101 105 114 32 119 111 114 100 115 32 39 110 111 32 98 101 116 116 101 114 32 116 104 97 110 32 97 32 100 111 103 46 39 13 10 13 10 79 118 101 114 32 116 104 101 32 121 101 97 114 115 32 116 104 101 121 32 104 97 118 101 32 101 109 112 108 111 121 101 100 32 118 97 114 105 111 117 115 32 109 101 116 104 111 100 115 32 116 111 32 116 114 121 32 116 111 32 39 104 101 108 112 39 32 109 101 59 32 116 111 32 109 97 107 101 32 109 101 32 98 101 99 111 109 101 32 116 104 101 32 112 101 114 115 111 110 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 97 110 116 101 100 46 32 84 104 101 121 32 116 114 105 101 100 32 116 111 32 99 111 110 116 114 111 108 32 109 101 32 116 104 114 111 117 103 104 32 102 101 97 114 44 32 118 105 111 108 101 110 99 101 32 97 110 100 32 101 109 111 116 105 111 110 97 108 32 109 97 110 105 112 117 108 97 116 105 111 110 46 32 84 104 101 121 32 119 111 117 108 100 32 103 111 32 116 104 114 111 117 103 104 32 118 105 111 108 101 110 116 32 109 111 111 100 32 115 119 105 110 103 115 32 119 104 101 114 101 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 111 117 108 100 32 98 101 32 104 117 103 103 105 110 103 32 109 101 32 97 110 100 32 103 105 118 105 110 103 32 109 101 32 97 32 103 105 102 116 32 111 110 101 32 109 105 110 117 116 101 44 32 116 104 101 110 32 115 109 97 115 104 105 110 103 32 105 116 32 111 110 32 116 104 101 32 103 114 111 117 110 100 44 32 115 99 114 101 97 109 105 110 103 32 97 116 32 97 110 100 32 104 105 116 116 105 110 103 32 109 101 32 116 104 101 32 110 101 120 116 46 32 32 75 110 111 119 105 110 103 32 109 121 32 102 101 97 114 32 111 102 32 116 104 101 32 100 97 114 107 32 97 116 32 116 104 101 32 116 105 109 101 44 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 111 117 108 100 32 97 108 115 111 32 108 111 99 107 32 109 101 32 105 110 32 116 104 101 32 98 97 115 101 109 101 110 116 46 13 10 13 10 69 118 101 110 116 117 97 108 108 121 32 116 104 101 121 32 103 111 116 32 105 116 32 105 110 32 116 104 101 105 114 32 109 105 110 100 115 32 116 104 97 116 32 115 105 110 99 101 32 116 104 101 121 32 97 108 111 110 101 32 119 101 114 101 110 39 116 32 104 97 118 105 110 103 32 109 117 99 104 32 108 117 99 107 32 105 110 32 109 111 117 108 100 105 110 103 32 109 101 32 105 110 116 111 32 119 104 97 116 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 97 110 116 101 100 32 109 97 121 98 101 32 116 104 101 114 101 32 119 101 114 101 32 100 111 99 116 111 114 115 32 116 104 97 116 32 99 111 117 108 100 32 102 105 120 32 109 101 46 32 84 104 101 121 32 115 101 110 116 32 109 101 32 116 111 32 97 32 102 101 119 32 97 110 100 32 97 102 116 101 114 119 97 114 100 32 116 104 114 101 97 116 101 110 101 100 32 116 111 32 115 101 110 100 32 109 101 32 98 97 99 107 32 101 118 101 114 121 32 116 105 109 101 32 73 32 103 111 116 32 97 110 103 114 121 32 111 114 32 117 112 115 101 116 32 111 118 101 114 32 119 104 97 116 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 101 114 101 32 115 97 121 105 110 103 32 97 110 100 32 100 111 105 110 103 32 116 111 32 109 101 46 32 73 32 116 104 111 117 103 104 116 32 97 98 111 117 116 32 116 101 108 108 105 110 103 32 116 104 101 32 100 111 99 116 111 114 115 32 119 104 97 116 32 119 97 115 32 103 111 105 110 103 32 111 110 44 32 98 117 116 32 73 32 119 97 115 32 116 111 111 32 97 102 114 97 105 100 32 116 111 32 100 111 32 109 111 114 101 32 116 104 97 110 32 104 105 110 116 32 97 116 32 116 104 101 32 116 105 109 101 46 32 84 104 101 110 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 111 117 108 100 32 121 101 108 108 32 97 116 32 109 101 32 97 102 116 101 114 32 101 97 99 104 32 115 101 115 115 105 111 110 44 32 100 101 109 97 110 100 105 110 103 32 116 111 32 107 110 111 119 32 119 104 97 116 32 73 32 104 97 100 32 115 97 105 100 46 46 46 32 73 32 100 105 100 32 101 118 101 110 116 117 97 108 108 121 32 101 110 100 32 117 112 32 111 110 32 97 110 116 105 100 101 112 114 101 115 115 97 110 116 115 44 32 119 104 105 99 104 32 111 110 108 121 32 109 97 100 101 32 109 101 32 102 101 101 108 32 119 111 114 115 101 44 32 97 110 100 32 116 104 101 121 32 117 115 101 100 32 116 104 97 116 32 97 115 32 97 32 119 97 121 32 116 111 32 100 105 115 99 114 101 100 105 116 32 109 101 32 102 117 114 116 104 101 114 46 13 10 13 10 84 104 101 121 32 100 101 114 105 100 101 100 32 109 101 32 102 111 114 32 109 121 32 108 97 99 107 32 111 102 32 115 112 105 114 105 116 117 97 108 105 116 121 32 97 110 100 32 109 111 114 97 108 115 32 105 110 32 116 104 97 116 32 73 32 100 105 100 110 39 116 32 98 101 108 105 101 118 101 32 105 110 32 103 111 100 44 32 109 117 99 104 32 108 101 115 115 32 116 104 101 32 111 114 103 97 110 105 122 97 116 105 111 110 32 116 104 97 116 32 99 108 97 105 109 101 100 32 116 111 32 115 112 101 97 107 32 102 111 114 32 104 105 109 46 32 84 104 101 121 32 98 101 99 97 109 101 32 111 98 115 101 115 115 101 100 32 119 105 116 104 32 109 121 32 98 111 100 121 44 32 115 104 97 109 105 110 103 32 109 101 32 102 111 114 32 109 121 32 117 110 102 101 109 105 110 105 110 101 44 32 117 103 108 121 32 97 112 112 101 97 114 97 110 99 101 32 97 110 100 32 97 116 116 101 109 112 116 105 110 103 32 116 111 32 99 104 97 110 103 101 32 105 116 32 116 111 32 116 104 101 105 114 32 115 116 97 110 100 97 114 100 115 46 32 84 104 101 121 32 97 108 115 111 32 104 97 116 101 100 32 116 104 101 32 102 97 99 116 32 116 104 97 116 32 73 32 100 105 100 110 39 116 32 97 115 115 111 99 105 97 116 101 32 119 105 116 104 32 116 104 101 32 114 105 103 104 116 32 112 101 111 112 108 101 32 97 110 100 32 97 116 116 97 99 107 101 100 32 111 114 32 105 115 111 108 97 116 101 100 32 109 101 32 102 114 111 109 32 116 104 111 115 101 32 73 32 100 105 100 32 97 115 115 111 99 105 97 116 101 32 119 105 116 104 44 32 111 114 32 99 97 108 108 101 100 32 109 101 32 97 32 119 104 111 114 101 32 105 102 32 116 104 97 116 32 112 101 114 115 111 110 32 119 97 115 32 111 102 32 116 104 101 32 111 112 112 111 115 105 116 101 32 115 101 120 46 46 46 32 73 32 100 111 110 39 116 32 107 110 111 119 32 119 104 97 116 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 111 117 108 100 32 104 97 118 101 32 100 111 110 101 32 105 102 32 116 104 101 121 32 104 97 100 32 102 111 117 110 100 32 111 117 116 32 73 32 119 97 115 32 98 105 115 101 120 117 97 108 44 32 110 111 116 32 116 104 97 116 32 105 116 32 109 97 116 116 101 114 115 32 110 111 119 46 46 46 32 73 116 32 103 111 116 32 116 111 32 116 104 101 32 112 111 105 110 116 32 116 104 97 116 32 73 32 103 97 118 101 32 117 112 32 111 110 32 104 97 118 105 110 103 32 102 114 105 101 110 100 115 32 102 111 114 32 97 32 108 111 110 103 32 116 105 109 101 46 13 10 13 10 84 104 101 121 32 104 97 100 32 97 108 119 97 121 115 32 117 115 101 100 32 97 32 99 101 114 116 97 105 110 32 108 101 118 101 108 32 111 102 32 103 117 105 108 116 32 116 111 32 116 114 121 32 116 111 32 99 111 110 116 114 111 108 32 109 101 44 32 98 117 116 32 105 110 32 114 101 99 101 110 116 32 121 101 97 114 115 32 116 104 101 121 32 114 101 97 108 108 121 32 115 116 97 114 116 101 100 32 112 111 117 114 105 110 103 32 105 116 32 111 110 46 32 84 104 101 121 32 107 101 112 116 32 99 108 97 105 109 105 110 103 32 116 104 97 116 32 73 32 104 97 100 32 111 98 108 105 103 97 116 105 111 110 115 32 116 111 32 116 104 101 109 32 97 110 100 32 101 118 101 110 32 104 101 108 100 32 111 117 116 32 116 104 101 32 112 114 111 109 105 115 101 32 111 102 32 97 99 99 101 112 116 97 110 99 101 46 32 76 105 107 101 32 97 110 32 105 100 105 111 116 44 32 73 32 97 108 108 111 119 101 100 32 109 121 115 101 108 102 32 116 111 32 98 101 32 109 97 110 105 112 117 108 97 116 101 100 32 116 104 105 115 32 119 97 121 46 32 84 104 101 121 32 119 101 114 101 32 97 98 108 101 32 116 111 32 107 101 101 112 32 104 117 114 116 105 110 103 32 109 101 32 98 101 99 97 117 115 101 32 73 32 102 101 108 116 32 73 32 99 111 117 108 100 110 39 116 32 100 111 32 97 110 121 116 104 105 110 103 32 97 98 111 117 116 32 105 116 46 32 13 10 13 10 32 73 32 104 97 118 101 32 116 114 105 101 100 32 116 111 32 114 101 97 115 111 110 32 119 105 116 104 32 116 104 101 109 44 32 116 111 32 116 101 108 108 32 116 104 101 109 32 116 111 32 108 101 116 32 109 101 32 108 105 118 101 32 109 121 32 111 119 110 32 108 105 102 101 32 97 110 100 32 116 111 32 108 101 97 118 101 32 109 101 32 97 108 111 110 101 44 32 98 117 116 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 111 110 39 116 32 108 105 115 116 101 110 46 32 84 104 101 121 32 116 104 105 110 107 32 101 118 101 114 121 116 104 105 110 103 32 73 32 97 109 44 32 101 118 101 114 121 116 104 105 110 103 32 73 32 100 111 32 105 115 32 115 104 105 116 32 97 110 100 32 114 101 109 105 110 100 32 109 101 32 99 111 110 115 116 97 110 116 108 121 32 111 102 32 104 111 119 32 73 32 102 97 105 108 32 116 111 32 108 105 118 101 32 117 112 32 116 111 32 116 104 101 105 114 32 101 120 112 101 99 116 97 116 105 111 110 115 32 97 110 100 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 111 110 39 116 32 115 116 111 112 32 117 110 116 105 108 32 116 104 101 121 32 104 97 118 101 32 102 105 120 101 100 32 109 101 32 97 110 100 32 109 111 117 108 100 101 100 32 109 101 32 105 110 116 111 32 119 104 97 116 32 116 104 101 121 32 116 104 105 110 107 32 73 32 115 104 111 117 108 100 32 98 101 32 97 110 100 32 73 32 99 97 110 39 116 32 103 101 116 32 97 119 97 121 46 32 73 102 32 73 32 115 116 111 112 32 116 97 108 107 105 110 103 32 116 111 32 116 104 101 109 32 111 114 32 111 116 104 101 114 119 105 115 101 32 115 116 97 114 116 32 97 118 111 105 100 105 110 103 32 116 104 101 109 44 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 105 108 108 32 99 111 109 101 32 116 111 32 109 121 32 104 111 117 115 101 32 111 114 32 115 101 110 100 32 111 116 104 101 114 115 46 32 73 116 32 119 111 117 108 100 110 39 116 32 98 101 32 116 104 101 32 102 105 114 115 116 32 116 105 109 101 32 116 104 101 121 39 118 101 32 117 115 101 100 32 111 116 104 101 114 115 32 116 111 32 107 101 101 112 32 109 101 32 105 110 32 108 105 110 101 46 46 46 32 73 32 99 111 117 108 100 32 108 101 97 118 101 32 116 104 101 32 99 105 116 121 44 32 98 117 116 32 116 104 101 114 101 32 105 115 32 110 111 119 104 101 114 101 32 111 110 32 116 104 105 115 32 103 111 100 100 97 109 110 32 105 115 108 97 110 100 32 116 104 97 116 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 111 117 108 100 110 39 116 32 98 101 32 97 98 108 101 32 116 111 32 102 105 110 100 32 109 101 46 32 73 32 104 97 100 32 98 101 101 110 32 116 114 121 105 110 103 32 116 111 32 103 101 116 32 101 110 111 117 103 104 32 109 111 110 101 121 32 116 111 103 101 116 104 101 114 32 116 111 32 103 101 116 32 111 102 102 32 116 104 101 32 114 111 99 107 32 40 116 104 105 115 32 112 114 111 118 105 110 99 101 39 115 32 97 112 116 32 110 105 99 107 110 97 109 101 41 32 97 110 100 32 116 111 32 115 116 97 114 116 32 109 97 107 105 110 103 32 97 32 108 105 102 101 32 102 111 114 32 109 121 115 101 108 102 32 101 108 115 101 119 104 101 114 101 32 98 117 116 32 105 116 32 106 117 115 116 32 103 111 116 32 119 111 114 115 101 32 97 110 100 32 119 111 114 115 101 32 117 110 116 105 108 32 105 116 32 98 101 99 97 109 101 32 116 111 111 32 109 117 99 104 32 116 111 32 116 97 107 101 32 97 110 121 32 108 111 110 103 101 114 46 46 46 32 69 118 101 110 32 119 104 101 110 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 101 114 101 110 39 116 32 97 114 111 117 110 100 44 32 119 104 97 116 32 116 104 101 121 32 115 97 105 100 32 97 110 100 32 100 105 100 32 119 111 117 108 100 32 101 97 116 32 97 119 97 121 32 97 116 32 109 101 46 46 46 32 73 32 112 114 111 98 97 98 108 121 32 119 111 117 108 100 32 98 101 32 100 101 97 100 32 114 105 103 104 116 32 110 111 119 32 104 97 100 32 105 116 32 110 111 116 32 98 101 101 110 32 102 111 114 32 79 80 79 70 32 97 110 100 32 83 108 101 110 100 121 46 13 10 13 10 73 32 100 111 110 39 116 32 119 97 110 116 32 116 111 32 101 115 99 97 112 101 32 97 110 121 109 111 114 101 46 46 46 32 104 97 118 101 110 39 116 32 119 97 110 116 101 100 32 116 111 32 102 111 114 32 97 32 119 104 105 108 101 46 46 46 32 73 32 106 117 115 116 32 119 97 110 116 32 114 101 118 101 110 103 101 46 46 46 32 73 32 100 111 110 39 116 32 99 97 114 101 32 119 104 97 116 32 104 97 112 112 101 110 115 32 97 102 116 101 114 13 10 13 10 73 32 116 114 105 101 100 32 116 111 32 108 111 118 101 32 116 104 101 109 46 46 46 32 84 104 114 111 117 103 104 32 116 104 101 105 114 32 101 102 102 111 114 116 115 32 116 111 32 105 109 112 114 111 118 101 32 109 101 44 32 109 121 32 108 111 118 101 32 104 97 115 32 98 101 101 110 32 116 119 105 115 116 101 100 32 105 110 116 111 32 104 97 116 101 13 10 13 10 65 108 108 32 116 104 101 121 32 119 97 110 116 101 100 32 119 97 115 32 116 111 32 99 114 101 97 116 101 32 97 32 112 114 101 116 116 121 32 108 105 116 116 108 101 32 100 111 108 108 32 116 111 32 100 114 101 115 115 32 117 112 59 32 111 110 101 32 116 104 97 116 32 119 111 117 108 100 32 115 105 116 32 113 117 105 101 116 108 121 32 97 110 100 32 115 109 105 108 101 32 110 111 32 109 97 116 116 101 114 32 119 104 97 116 46 32 73 110 115 116 101 97 100 32 116 104 101 121 32 103 111 116 32 97 110 32 117 103 108 121 44 32 105 110 115 97 110 101 44 32 97 110 103 114 121 32 116 104 105 110 103 32 116 104 97 116 32 105 115 32 110 111 32 98 101 116 116 101 114 32 116 104 97 110 32 97 32 100 111 103 32 97 110 100 32 105 115 32 110 111 32 108 111 110 103 101 114 32 97 102 114 97 105 100 32 111 102 32 116 104 101 109 32 111 114 32 116 104 101 32 100 97 114 107 46

I feel sick… 

My head feels like it’s breaking apart

I need to get out 

 

Identity Interlude 3

There are a few things I enjoy collecting…

I collect action figures, dolls, stuffed toys, and NES games 

As well as wind instruments and masks

The mask in the front there is my most recent addition to my collection

I also keep a few fish

These things give me a sense of comfort...

Knit Wolf, these things may seem meaningless to everyone else, but they are important to you. Remember and hold on to them  

Because the video seems appropriate...

Story Time 2

Once upon a time there was a little girl who, though she was far from perfect, tried to be good.

One fine day she was sent on an errand that took her through the woods where she was spotted by a wolf who ran to meet her where the paths crossed.

The wolf introduced itself quite politely and asked where she was off to in such a hurry. Returning the politeness, she told the wolf of her errand.  “Which path will you take my dear?” asked the wolf “the path of needles or the path of pins?” “The path of needles,” she responded. “It’s such a beautiful day” said the wolf, “why not take the time to enjoy it and pick some flowers?” At this, he bid her farewell and wandered off down the path of pins. The little girl, thinking nothing of this,  continued on her way down the path of needles. She tried to be good by staying on the path, but tempted by the wolf’s suggestion, stopped to pick flowers along the way.  

So it was that the wolf made it to the destination first and knocked on the door with its paw. When the knocking was answered, the wolf took bloody measures to ensure that no one else would be around to greet the girl when she arrived.

Eventually, the little girl made her way there. She was about to knock on the door, but there was an eerie quiet, a feeling that something wasn’t right that made her hesitate.

She instead decided to peek in through the window first.  Upon doing so she was greeted with a terrible sight. The floor was covered in blood and moving about the mess was the wolf.

The little girl froze in shock as she took in the horror before her. “What big eyes it has,” she thought, “what big ears…. and teeth!” At this, she snapped out of her shock and started to run back the way she came. 

The wolf finally noticed her as she ran and broke through the window to give chase. The wolf tore after her at first, but she had a good head start and it was cut from the glass, so it let her go. The wolf wasn't too upset at the loss, for it knew, as did the little girl, that she would eventually have to go through the woods again and it would be waiting.

Shedding Light

A few things that have been on my mind since skinny boy let me know he would go along with my little plan and they can all be boiled down into the simple question of “why?”

I’ve said that I made this blog in case I start to lose myself.  I’ve heard stories of people who have completely lost their individuality to him. They are mindless slaves who have no choice but to carry out his will. This makes me wonder why I’m not one of them. I wonder why he is bothering with my plan and allowing me to continue to work for him out of my own free will if he could just take my mind and force me to do whatever he wanted. Does it amuse him? I wonder if he has a sense of humor…

Perhaps he just regards this whole thing as an easy way to control me. He could just be stringing me along with no intention of delivering, I suppose… But for some reason, I don’t think that’s what’s happening…    On that note I wonder what he’ll do once I have my revenge… What will he have left to control me with? I’m not afraid of him like I was at first… hmm

I heavily suspect that once my goal is achieved, and he no longer has that control, he will kill me or kill me as a person. That is why I said that I don’t know how much longer I’ll be around after. Of course, there is also the possibility that he could decide to break our deal at any time.  Another thing is that my situation had caused me to seriously contemplate and almost commit suicide, so for a while I was thinking that I might not be around long because I might just kill myself…

 

I tell you, working for Slendy is an interesting experience… the health benefits are terrible but there is a great chance for "early retirement"  

...

... trying to calm down a little

Sunshine

It was just after the point that I sent OPOF after Penelope that I began work on something of a gift for him. It was a doll version of himself as I imagined him. Why? Because that’s what I do when someone or something really catches my attention, though as I said to him, it's incredibly rare for me to base a stuffed toy on a person.

 

He started questioning my interest in him. I think he was operating under the assumption that I was just a girl looking for romance with a bad boy and believed that he would not harm me if we met. This was not the case at all. I admit that when he spoke of what he could see of me in that picture, it made me blush that he was actually looking so closely, regardless of the intent, but I wasn’t looking for love. I wasn’t expecting to be treated differently than anyone else if we ever met. I don’t expect mercy as I have none left to give. I just wanted good conversations, catharsis to help me endure the pain caused by those who hurt me, and to take in his raw, ugly, beautiful hatred and violence.

This leads me to a question that’s been on my mind… Sunshine, you know why I follow your blog. You should have a good understanding of what you are to me by now. What I want to know is why do you keep coming back here? What am I to you?