Here

When we first crossed into this place, Wolf offered to carry me. After my breakdown, she insisted on it.

I told her the same thing I said to her before, that I didn’t want to be a burden. She said that, while this has been difficult for both of us, it was clearly affecting me more that her.

“Besides, you carried me part way to the threshold,” she said. “With Outbreak shutting down my lungs, I wouldn’t have made it there on my own, so I think it’s only fair that I carry you for the last bit of the journey.” 

Reluctantly, I let her do it. Being held like that was strangely comforting. The physical contact of her arms was another reassurance that made it easier to cope with the sound coming from that thing. I’m not sure how long she walked before suddenly coming to a stop. Drawing in a sharp breath, she spoke 

“We’re here.”

I’m writing this while I’m waiting for her to finish… whatever the hell she’s doing. I’m still tethered to her by that tendril, of course, so I can feel that she’s moved upwards. So far, I’ve heard a few thuds followed by cracking noises, and then tearing, like meat being pulled from a bone. Is she… eating it? At least the thing has shut up.

I wound up getting curious at one point, so I slowly reached out, only to feel something very sharp.  

“Don’t touch it” she said, probably feeling the movement as I drew back in shock. “Don’t try to look at it either.” Her voice sounded strange… sort of syrupy, yet it was clearer than it had been throughout this whole thing.

“Why not?” I asked, thinking back to Father Brien’s ritual “It’s not like I haven’t seen it before”

“What you saw was only a half-manifested part of it. I’m not sure what the sight of its true form would do to your mind at the best of times, let alone after the strain of getting here.”

“Oh… Okay then…” 

I'm sure she's right that I'm better off not seeing it, but I can't shake the nagging curiosity. I'm trying to ignore it though. That's partly why I decided to start typing this up. I just need to be patient for a little while longer.

A Little Light in the Dark

As soon as Wolf realized I was breaking down, she stopped and pulled me into a hug.

“Shh. It’s okay, it’s okay. I’ve got you. We’re almost there, I promise. Please, I need you to stay with me now... I… I can’t do this alone…” she pleaded. It was clear that the months spent in this shithole were wearing on her too. I tried to pull myself together, but I was too exhausted and another roar from that thing didn’t help.

Once it finally shut up again, she let me go and began rummaging through one of the packs.

“You’re going to see a light in a moment” she warned, before moving in close and turning on a flashlight. I was blinded by it for a few seconds until my eyes adjusted. She held the light close to our faces as we stood nearly nose to nose. I analyzed every detail of her that I could make out.

“There we go. Imagine being glad to see my ugly mug” she said with a laugh as I finally started to calm down.

I gave a small laugh in response.

“Here, let me show you something” she moved her face away from mine, so she could hold her hand up to the light, letting me see it. A tendril emerged from her wrist to make a small cut on her palm.

“See, I’m alive and here with you” she said, softly as it bled. “Give me your hand”

When I did, she raised my hand to the light and made a matching cut on my palm. “See, you’re awake and alive too.” The sting of the cut and the sight of the blood confirmed it. Maybe it’s weird, but I felt relieved by that.

“I know it’s hard, but I need you to trust me. Noisy as that thing may be, it’s dead. I can say that with complete certainty.”

She kept my hand clasped in hers “We’re almost there” she said, wrapping a couple of tendrils around my shoulders as a further reassurance until I was ready to continue.

Hell

We’ve been here for about six months, according to our blog posts and the date on my phone (if that can be trusted). Six months of feeling like we’re floating aimlessly in the dark.

I don’t get tired here, not physically, but mentally I’m exhausted. Half the time I can’t tell if I’m awake or asleep and dreaming or dead and in hell because everything looks the same whether my eyes are open or closed. Am I really looking at my phone screen and typing this or is it just my subconscious filling in what it wants to see?

Everything feels the same too: nothing under my feet, just the movement of my body and the itching sores.

Wolf has been trying her best to keep me talking, to keep me focused on anything other than the fucking void we’re in, but that THING keeps drowning us out and I swear it’s getting worse every time.

She says it’s dead, but what if she’s wrong? There are a few people in this shitty game that have come back from the dead, herself included, so what if this thing can do the same? What if she’s being strung along like Father Brien?

No, no, Wolf is stronger than that. If our old boss couldn’t break her mind than this thing can’t either. It’s dead. It’s dead. It just won’t shut up. SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I just want it to stop.

I don’t think I can do this anymore.

So Fucking Tired

I drove Doomsy out to a different community and ditched his ass like I said I would. I thought that might buy me some time in case he had any “friends”. He’d have to figure out where the fuck he was and find a place to make a call before contacting anyone to let them know I was on the road and to come pick him up. Of course, the Tailor could take him wherever he wanted, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to take that fucking precaution.

Too bad it was all for fucking nothing!

I drove for a couple of weeks trying to figure out where the fuck I was going to go next. When I had to sleep, I pulled off the road into one of the fuckton of gravel pits this province has. People use them as camping spots, even though they’re not supposed to, so some nights I was parked next to a couple of RVs. Sometimes their owners were still awake and willing to make some friendly small talk. Two nights ago, I found myself alone in one of those spots. I went to sleep, but something woke me up only an hour later.

You cuntcopters ever wake up and know something is wrong before you see it?   

Well, I sure as fuck did. Maybe it’s some kind of monkey brain, self preservation shit, I don’t fucking know. What I do know is that I felt really fucking uneasy, so I started the car and turned on the headlights.

There was the Tailor with a body impaled on one of his tendrils. It was Doomsy. I guess refusing to kill him pissed the Tailor off enough to do it himself. He then proceeded to fucking fling the poor kid at my car, cracking my windshield but thankfully not breaking it. I reversed, causing his corpse to fall off, before peeling the fuck out of there, screaming in shock and rage all the way.

I’ve been driving nearly non-stop since then, only pulling over to clean the blood off the car and take a piss. Energy drinks and coffee can only get you so far though, and if I kept going like that I would have ended up in a fucking ditch, so I found this shitty rundown motel and got a room. I know that this place isn’t any safer than my car, but I need a break from it after what the Tailor did. I still wanted to try to type this up before passing the fuck out, hoping it would help me get my head back together.

 

All that shit I went through didn’t make a single fucking difference. The kids still died.

 

God fucking damn it.

Another Voice

We started hearing it a couple of days ago. The voice of the thing we’re looking for. Wolf says it’s nothing to worry about. She says to think of it like frog legs twitching when you put salt on them. They aren’t alive but the chemical reaction makes them “dance”. By getting closer to it, we’re acting as the salt, and what we’re hearing is the reaction.    

I really hope she’s right. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me thanks to the sensory deprivation, or maybe it’s just the fucked up way that sound works here, but it seems like it’s moving. Sometimes it’s further away, sometimes closer. A lot closer.

The voice is hard to describe. It’s kind of like a choking cry that I can feel in my chest. I’ve been looking for something to compare it to, and this is the closest thing I’ve found.

It’s mixed with this disgusting wet noise, and it sounds hostile and intelligent in a way I can’t explain…. I should probably stop thinking about it.

Come on Hart don’t freak yourself out. You’ve dealt with plenty of fucked up shit before. The thing is dead. Wolf killed it herself.      

We’re going to get there and she’s going to fix this place. I just need to trust her and hold on a bit longer.

Stop

Stop

Stop it 

You’re making it worse! 

I don’t know if just seeing you is triggering something in me or if you’re fucking with my head somehow, but the urge to gut your stupid follower is getting worse and worse the longer you fucking stand there. 

This is your fucking guy isn’t it? Do you WANT me to kill his stupid ass?! 

Wait… Wait a minute… 

You do, don’t you? 

You set Doomsy up for this, didn’t you? You fucking faceless piece of shit!  

You’re trying to feed my addiction, so I want more and then you’re going to swoop in and give it to me like the world’s worst fucking dealer! Who gives a shit if you lose a useless fucking kid in the process, right?   

Well fuck that! I’m not going to be your bitch ever again! 

The funny thing is that it’s your own fucking fault too! 

If you hadn’t attacked the Wolf when she came back, we’d all still be serving you! 

If you had fucking shoved a tentacle up Osprey’s ass instead of sitting on your spindly fucking hands, we’d still be serving you. 

If you hadn’t just thrown the Wolf under the fucking eldritch bus in the first place, we’d still be fucking serving you! 

But no, you created this whole fucking mess for yourself, and you’re not going to use me to clean it up, especially not with everything you’ve put me through! 

Holy fuck! How can something as old and powerful as you be that fucking short-sighted and stupid?! 

Oh what? Is the truth pissing you off? Well, what are you going to do about it? Come on then, kill me! 

No, you won’t, because you’re still too afraid of what the Wolf will do when she gets out, aren’t you?! 

Fuck! Fuck you both!

I hate you so fucking much!