It’s been over a year since I left the Wolf, and I still miss her. It still feels like part of me is gone.
I’m not going back to her, though. I can’t.
…
I never forgot what she did, you know. Not really.
She hurt me. She hurt me so fucking bad over and over again- cutting me up and stitching me back together for two months.
Two fucking months of torture; of ripping away everything I had- everything I was- and forcing my dependency on her just to make it stop.
I never forgot any of that, but I kept finding ways to justify it.
I had to find some way to cope with what she did, and she made those justifications feel good. She made me feel good and I started to love her for that.
How couldn’t I? She was so kind to me after she got what she wanted, or rather, what HE wanted. She made me stronger and taught me how to fight, how to kill, how to do every fucking dirty job the Tailor required. She was my savior who would never leave me to die like Josh did. Of course I loved her.
Then she told me that she loved me too. What a fucking lie. Imagine doing all that shit to someone and following it up with an “I love you”
Maybe
some part of her needed to believe it, just like I did. Maybe she was trying to cope with what she had done on behalf of the faceless fuck. I know that bothered her. Or maybe she was just trying to cope with the loss of her precious "Sunshine".
She still did it, though. Whatever her reasons, they don't change that fact, and I can’t justify it away anymore. The problem is, I still love her.
I hate her. I hate what she did, but I still love her… It’s like a fucked up addiction and it hurts.
I won’t let those feelings control me, though. I won’t go back, no matter how much I miss feeling her arms around me.
No matter how much I’d like to feel my hands around her neck
Welcome to the wonderful world of stockholm syndrome.
ReplyDeleteIt's strange to see you coming to your senses after so long, and even stranger seeing what's brought this mental shift on.
You'll probably never fully get over what you're feeling in regard to Wolf, few people ever really recover from what you went through, but you'll learn to manage it eventually, and keeping your distance is your best bet for that.
Still, I would be careful about letting your thoughts wander so much. Introspection is good to an extent, but too much of it can cause regression. Really, for the time being I would suggest finding a distraction.
Lucky for you, you won't have to look far for one.
~Rabbit
Well I guess it's one fucking thing to experience something in the moment and another to relive that shit.
Delete"Lucky for you, you won't have to look far for one."
Is that another lazy ass threat?
More of a hint than anything else.
DeleteJust want to make sure you're all dolled up for our night on the town.
~Rabbit
Wow, talk about giving off rapey-vibes.
DeleteMalik: Yeah fucking really
DeleteBunnykins, you ain't shit compared to the things I've seen, fought, and fucking lived with. You don't scare me and if your stupid ass does show up here, I'll bury my fucking tomahawk in it
Finally you said it, fuck her for what she did to you.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say exactly that in my previous comment but I refrained myself because I didn't want to overload you. You were figuring things out on your own and you didn't need some random loudmouth online trying to figure things out for you.
I am genuinely happy that you are able to see what was done to you and that you are not coming up with bullshit excuses for the said atrocities.
Now keep your eyes open, because I don't think the Wolf will be too happy about said revelation.
Thanks for the support. It helps right now. It really fucking does.
DeleteAs for the Wolf, I don't think she'll come after me, but if she does, she won't be taking me back alive. Either way, I know what I said here is going to hurt and I hope it fucking eats her up inside.