Sunrise

I’m still in shock and I have a lot of ground to cover so bear with me.

Sunshine is, in fact, alive. Spoke to him Friday night. I’m still hurt by what he did but I’m relieved that he’s okay.

Poor Fell is relieved too, if only for the fact that I’ve come out of the state I was in. She’s been very good through all of this. Will talk about that more in a minute

First I’ll talk about my last victim. The fourth of those we took from that run down building. She’s long dead. Went out to finish the job after I posted about her. Lost control for a minute. Not my best moment. I screamed all my frustrations at my captive then hit her with the shovel when she called me a whore of the devil. I had been careful to avoid covering her face with the dirt up to this point. Now I shoveled it in purposefully, making her choke on it.

I found out a couple of days later that I had shocked Fell with my loss of control. She had spoken to Sunshine about it and I saw the conversation history. She seemed okay at the time of the killing, especially in light of her bloodlusting post later that night but apparently it troubled her and she worried for me. I must not lose control again.

While she was talking to Sunshine I was out making a delivery- a box containing a finger, a tooth, an ear and a piece of skin. Apparently the group of runners had since gone their separate ways. I managed to keep track of the priest though. Found him on a park bench, asleep but still clutching his cross as if it would protect him. I dropped the box onto him and walked off into a grouping of trees. I heard him scream just before the area around me shifted to the dead end path.

Once I got back and discovered the impact that the previously mentioned loss of control had on Fell, I resolved to ease her mind by taking her out for some relatively non-violent fun. The next day we played a few rounds of Ice Ball at the local arcade. Came away with a bag of assorted blue rubber lizards as a prize. Then we took the scenic route over to a candy store where we loaded up on gummy skulls, sour candy, chocolate cranberries, jelly babies and licorice. We headed home and sat back to watch I Spit on Your Grave and An American Werewolf in London. We also decorated the cabin with the lizards which now peek out of random places. Fell smiled, which I was happy to see. The next day we hung out. Fell slept for most of the day. I did some knitting and even offered some knitting tips to someone online who was asking. Later that night was when Sunshine started talking to me…. When he made that suicide attempt.

I shut down after that. I spent the next few days staring at the computer screen or passed out. Outside of making that post, I only spoke to Cat, online. Fell kept vigil, trying to get me to eat but I could only accept the offer of tea            

Then he was online again… Like nothing had happened. He apologized to me and we talked for a bit. Like I said, I’m still hurt but I’m relieved.

The next day I was still in shock but I headed out with Fell in the late afternoon anyway. It was a nice day so we went to a park. Not a fan of birds but we still took some time to feed the ducks and watch the swans swim around one of the park’s ponds before we took to wandering the trails. Afterwards, we picked up a few ingredients and went home. I made some fettuccine alfredo for us and we settled in to watch some cartoons from the 80s. Rainbow Brite is awesome.

I think that’s everything of interest right now so I’ll end here.

So Tired

Don’t know how to begin. I meant to make a post last night but…..

Sunshine was online… My Sunshine… He was drunk

He said he didn’t know what was real. Said he had a gun. He wanted to die

Told him not to… To put the gun down and sleep

Told him I loved him. Told him he was not just a “cancer” as he had put it

He started taking painkillers. And he was drunk

I begged him not to but he did

Broke my heart… Told him he was breaking my heart

I don’t know if he’s dead or alive

The last thing he said was that Ritter was taking hold of him

Was holding him down

It’s funny it’s so funny I never thought that he could really hurt me…

Cause me some physical pain? Kill me? Sure. But never really hurt me

But he did…. by hurting himself

I can only hope he’s still alive and still himself…

Guess you were probably expecting a different post

I’ll get to the recap of the days since my last post as soon as I can

Just can’t do it right now

Do you know

how fucking beautiful people look when they drown?  When they can’t breathe? The mouth opens. There’s a stolen breath- cheating bitches. There’s the sound of churning water or straining rope. Then, nothing but quiet. The lights go out and the bubbles stop and they relax and sleep and fucking die.

And they feel so close.  

Just dirt in the ground

Well the job is done and Leo has gone on his merry way. Apparently, a nest of thirteen runners had sprung up in my absence and Ritter wanted four of them killed.

This was another adventure in homelessness as they were squatting in the remnants of what used to be a shop downtown. It wasn’t that difficult to observe the location and their movements undetected, considering the busy area. Likewise, it wasn’t that difficult to follow and capture one of them yesterday after he left the building to go about his business. Just pulled him into an alley, then bamfed back to the cabin where Leo was waiting. Looked to be a priest, judging by the cross and collar, dirty though it was. We beat our captive into submission, tied him up and gagged him. Brought him with us when we returned to that little three storey brick building that night.

During the time we were watching them, I made sure to catch a glimpse of the inside of the place through one of the front widows where there was a space between the boards that covered them. That glimpse was enough to let me teleport us directly into the building, so as to avoid prying eyes. As I suspected, there was no one near the entrance, most likely to avoid the same. We could hear footsteps above us, so we moved as quickly and quietly as we could into position.    

Leo began to douse the priest with lighter fluid. He then removed the gag. Our captive didn’t disappoint as he started screaming. Leo got a lighter and one of his fighting fans out. Alerted by the screams, the other runners came into the room, weapons drawn. They stopped, however, when they saw the predicament their friend was in.

“We’ve come not to massacre but to make a trade.” I said. Pointing to those we were after, I continued “You four drop your weapons and come with us right now and we’ll leave peacefully. If not, then my friend here will start making some holy smoke and you will all die”

At this, Leo lit the lighter.

“Path of needles or path of pins, the choice is yours, but decide quickly” 

The priest started yelling at them not to give in to “the servants of the devil” but after a few moments, and Leo bringing the lighter closer to the bound man, they came forward, giving themselves up. Keeping my word and following Ritter’s orders, we teleported away as soon as they were in hand, sparing the others.

Three of the four are quite dead now and oh my, did we have fun with them. Once we got them securely bound, Leo dragged one outside and set him ablaze. He watched the man burn before heading off. Brother, if you happen to read this, thank you again for the help and we wish you well on your journey.

The second was a woman whose life Fell took. I must say, I enjoyed the giddy enthusiasm she displayed as she strangled her.

This enthusiasm carried over to the third. We shared this kill. Filled the bathtub up with water and forced his head under. We brought him up for air a couple of times, during which we taunted and kicked him. Eventually we held him under until he drowned. The boy was strong and fought to the last.

This brings me to the fourth. She is still alive but not for long. She was quite the state when I finally got to her, having witnessed the death of one of her friends and hearing the fate of the others. On top of that she’s had time to sweat while Fell and I dug a hole in the clearing in front of the cabin. I occasionally took a break to come in and cut her a few times before going back out to continue. Finally, when the hole was deep enough, I returned to her. Removed one of her fingers before dragging her outside and tossing her into the hole. I’ve been in the process of burying her alive since then. I believe that when I am finished with her, I will take her finger, as well as pieces from each of the others and return them to that priest. I’m sure he’d be happy to be reunited with the missing members of his flock

Returning

We will be leaving Antithesis tomorrow, as there is a matter which Ritter wants us to attend to back home. I’ll miss the company of my little siblings and I’m worried about Cat, but this was inevitable. I knew we couldn’t stay forever and perhaps it was for the best. I’ve been feeling that need again… that hunger.   

We’ll have some company on this job, however, as Leo will be coming with us. He said he was bored and itching for a fight. This should be fun

Been Drawing again

Figured you might like to see some of it

This one was done as a gift for Cat. She is a fan of Pokemon and so was Diaemus so I did a lighthearted tribute to them with the Gliscor representing Diaemus and the Liepard representing Cat. I'm just glad that it made her smile

This one was done for Sammi and Diesel. I based it off their current icon, except I gave the Houndoom Diesel's baseball bat 

This one was a reference to Whitecrow and the nickname I gave him

Finally, this one I did just for myself because I felt like drawing something cute and violent

Knitting Curious Again

After the supply run we made to Michael’s it was inevitable that we would find ourselves parked on the lounge in the sitting room again for another stitch n’ bitch. Cat worked on a baby hat, while I went back and forth from patching the doll to helping Fell with her attempt at knitting a doll. I admire her ambition in wanting to learn something so complex so quickly.

The conversation ranged from lighthearted to serious. I finally told her of my fears

“I was talking to Sunshine a couple of weeks ago. He's safe for now but I'm 
worried about him I wound up telling him about the dream I had of him. He suggested that maybe it was supposed to happen, that he saved me so I could kill him. I said that the only way that would happen is if I was hollowed. He suggested that maybe it was getting close to that point. I don't want to lose myself and I don't want to hurt him, Cat but I know what I want doesn’t matter to Ritter, nor should I expect it to. I’m not angry at Ritter for it as I’ve always known that this is His nature and I have been disobedient. I can only hope that He doesn’t require it of me… That it was just a dream, at worst meant to punish not prophesy… That He still has some use for Sunshine”

"It was just a dream, Wolf.” She said softly “I'm sure of that. I know it's hard and I know you're worried for him....but right now, all you can do is talk to him when he comes online. I'm sure that he appreciates it, being able to just talk to you."

Fell chimed in “If the Tailor wanted you hollowed, I think you would be by now”       

I turned that over in my mind, my thoughts eventually drifting to Whitecrow

“I saw what happened between you and Murkrow over Moral”

Cat laughed a little at the nickname but quickly became serious again at the mention of Moral’s death

“Cat, what would you do if I was ordered to kill someone that you considered a friend? Would you hate me too?”

She thought for a moment

"Well.....no. I don't hate ‘Murkrow’ for doing what he was told. I don't hate him for doing his job and not holding back. The reason why I hate him....is how he treated Moral. How he didn't just kill him, but....but tortured him, gutted him, turned him into a trophy. Things that you don't do. You feed your inner wolf, not your inner ego."

“You forget that I have tortured people. Consider Fell here, for instance, or Brightsky’s Collin. I killed him slower than I had to, right before her very eyes and I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it”

Cat seemed taken aback at this… Had she truly forgotten?

“You did what you had to, Wolf” Fell said

"The way you killed Collin, though...” Cat began “that can be chalked up to bloodlust, and that I understand. Losing it in the heat of the moment....it's not a foreign feeling. But Whitecrow treated Moral like a sport and approached the whole thing with a formula, a plan-- and a conscious desire to draw it out. He plays head games for shits and giggles. Not because those are his orders, not because he feeds the monster inside of him, but because it adds to his score.”

“Hmm”

“Besides, that's not all of you. Your work doesn't consume your life. That's not the person I see every day. And that lets me take a step back from it all and accept it. That's why I could look at Ryan the way I did and see the good person instead of the contract killer."

We continued our work silently as I considered what she said.

Cat finally spoke up again

"Wolf? Do you mind if I ask your opinion on something?"

“Go right ahead”

"What I posted about a few nights ago....I don't know what to think of any of it. I don't know if I want to believe Fear.....that those are really his memories. And if they are, if it's true.....some of them, I'm afraid to see. I just....I don't want it. I don't know if I can do some of this again."

I thought for a while, then said

“Oh Cat… I’m not sure what to say…

I understand not wanting to go through it again. I know it hurts… but… well… I know Diaemus loved you and I know that if any part of him still exists, then he still loves you… Maybe, that in mind, these memories might help you in the long run. Help you put things in perspective, you know?”

She nodded and was silent for a few minutes

"I think what scares me is the whole idea that a part of him is lingering. I love him just as much as he loves....loved....me, and I'm scared to death that he's still here and suffering. I'm scared that he's going through it again, too. Even if it helps me....I can't bear to imagine that it's still hurting him."

My mind raced over the possibilities. I struggled to find the right words, starting and stopping a few times before finally saying

“I know, Cat… but he obviously thought that this was important enough, that this was worth it… And… somehow, I can’t imagine that he’s hurting… Worried about you maybe, but not hurting. Maybe he just wants to make sure you’ll be okay”

Cat seemed to consider this for a time

“I’m sorry” I said “I’m truly sorry that I failed to save him”

“Don't you dare blame yourself! It’s not your fault and I don’t want you to feel guilty over it. You did more than I could and it means so much to me that you came to the rescue in the first place; that you’re still here after everything that’s happened”

“Well… the way I see it is that I wouldn’t be much of a big sister if I didn’t stick around to make sure you’re alright.”

Cat gave a small smile at this and we continued on with our work until Fell spoke up again

  

“My sister is dead and I don’t feel a fucking thing.” She said suddenly “I even made a joke when bitchface posted about it.”

“Maybe it’s because I’ve been preparing myself for her death since she met with your boyfriend” she said, glancing at me “Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like she was really my sister by the end, after what happened between us.”

“It’s okay, Fell.” I said “You can’t help the way you feel”

She nodded and continued

“I think this new life that you and the Tailor have given me has something to do with it too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a lot fucking happier this way but being so focused on my new purpose sort of pushes everything else out. It’s like it’s all muted by comparison”

My mind again went to work, searching for the right thing to say

“I understand, believe me. I obviously know what it’s like to be entrenched in a purpose, to feel Ritter’s influence like that. I’m glad to know that you’re happy too. Don’t ruin it by trying to force feelings that aren’t there; hold on to it instead. And speaking of your purpose. I want you to know that, as far as I’m concerned you’ve been doing wonderfully. You completed your revenge, you fought well against those Rake dogs, you took care of Cat in my absence and you took care of me when I returned”

She started to smile

“I want to make you proud, Wolf”

“You have and you do”

She grinned at this

“Sparring session tomorrow?” she asked

“Absolutely”