to reflect on what happened and to try to adjust to my
current condition. I’m…. embarrassed by that post I made while feverish. I
should have gone to a doctor the second I started to feel off… It just came on
so fast. Regardless, I should have handled it better and I’m sorry that you all
had to see that. Barely remember writing it.
I remember
burning up, then hearing Fell yelling about water, a door slamming, then Fell
screaming- distant. Became aware that there was a hand on my forehead- a freezing,
burning hand. Ritter was standing over me like a worried parent over a child
Couldn’t
move. His tendrils held me in place
Felt
like I was burning worse than ever
He
slowly started to open me up. My flesh giving and tearing at his touch. I was
trying not to scream but could not hold back. My cries were joined and mixed with those
of Fell. I was just barely aware of what she was saying. I was afraid that she
would incur Ritter’s wrath if she kept up. Tried to call out to calm her but
could not manage until he flung me against the door. I don’t know if he did
this out of irritation, or to taunt or if it was a sort of mercy, but I was finally
able to deliver the message before he dragged me back.
I stared
at the ceiling. Reminded myself that I had to be strong for Fell and Hart.
Heard a cracking noise and felt fresh pain. Told myself that this was necessary
after what happened with Carmine. Felt the freezing burning touch inside. Thankful
that if I was to die, at least this would be a good death. Felt a strange
sinking sensation
Looked
down. Ritter had started to pull my organs out. Felt like a dissected lab
animal as he meticulously removed my insides. They changed, darkened in his
grasp as they were imbued with Azoth. Then he put them back into me and sealed
my open flesh; sealing the Azoth within. Everything seemed to have gone silent.
Then his song came roaring back into my mind and I blacked out.
When
I opened my eyes, Carmine was standing over me; laughing.at me for thinking
that I could escape. He started to touch me again. I felt his weight pressing
down on me again. He spoke to me while he did it, but unlike before, he got too
close. He was whispering in my ear, telling me of my worthlessness while
failing to notice he was getting in range of my teeth. Seizing the opportunity
I bit at his throat and bit and bit
.
Ritter
stood over me again. I looked down at my body. It looked like my veins were
standing out and growing darker. Ritter’s song was drowning me again, telling
me to let go, to sleep. To keep fighting was to prolong the pain. As if to
emphasize this point, I was opened again. He repeated his earlier work on my
insides He went about it slowly, observing each organ thoughtfully, like
someone inspecting cuts of meat at a store. I would have laughed at that
thought if I still had my lungs
The
pain was blinding. His song only grew louder which made it hurt worse. Despite
this I could still hear Fell calling out to me. I closed my hands into fists
while trying to cope, to hold on to her voice. Heard a weird squishing sound. I
opened my hands and looked at them only to see what remained of my fingernails
falling out
Everything
went dark again. I was in their basement, trapped in the dark again. I found
and climbed the steps leading up to the door, careful not to trip over the various
bottles and tools that were strewn about them. I was so small I could barely
reach the doorknob when I got to the top. It was locked. I called to them, my
voice that of a child pleading to be let out. I heard a growl coming from behind
me in the dark. My cries became more frantic I started pounding on the door
with my little fists. My arms ached as they were already bruised but I didn’t
care. I needed to get out. The growl was closer. I was terrified, screaming and
crying. I started to get angry too. I was angry at them for doing this to me. I
wanted to make them feel the way that I felt. The anger soon replaced the fear.
My pleas soon turned to threats. I felt my body growing stronger. The door
started to give and then broke. I heard them scream
I
hit a wall. Ritter had slammed me into a corner of the room. Was he angry that
I did not break? Every inch of me screamed in pain and it only got worse as he
sank his tendrils into my back. I heard more cracking and watched as things
shifted around under my skin. Felt like I was being torn apart. Heard a strange
sound. Took me some time to realize that it was my own voice. I was screaming.
His will was snuffing out my own. Fell was still speaking to me through the
door, telling me what others were saying; begging me to stay with her. I tried
to hold on though I wondered how much longer this would continue. I felt like a
broken toy in the hands of brutal child
The
tendrils were finally pulled free, then a hand caught my hair. Used it to slam
my head into the wall, then pull me down onto my back. A woman was on top of
me. She was dirty and emaciated and her face was twisted in rage. It was me, or
rather, part of me. She bit and clawed at me like an animal. I fought at first
but then stopped. I laughed at her. Told her she could not exist alone. She
would fail, as she had before when control was hers. The belly cannot live without
the brain. I heard Fell yelling at me about revenge. I smirked and told my
other self that she would not be able to take proper vengeance on Carmine without
my creativity and planning- if she would even get the chance to continue. She
would be totally at the mercy of Ritter’s will- feeding only when he said so.
No room for fun. No room for choice. Mindless, mechanical, leashed and collared.
Pathetic
She
stopped, seeming to consider what I had said. I asked her which path she would
take. At this, she tilted her head to the side then started to grin. Her mouth
opened as if she was laughing though I heard no sound. Her features became more
angular. Her teeth grew, as her mouth cracked shifted and distended to
accommodate the change. Her ears became pointed and grew. Her eyes, which were
already large, shifted as her skull split and reformed. The wolf that now stood
in her place turned to Ritter, let out a snarl as if she would attack, then
vanished.
It
was just him and me now. I pushed back against his invasion of my mind. The Azoth
kicked inside me. I thought my body was going to explode. I cried in agony but
I still fought. I told him I would still serve him but I would do it of my own
volition. Eventually, his song became softer. His force of will upon my mind
receded like the tide. Perhaps he figured that if he pushed harder, I would be
broken beyond use, and he obviously had been planning to use me for something.
I felt a tendril slide over me- almost soothing, though it hurt. Wasn’t sure if
he was impressed or exasperated. He left and a single thought crept into my
mind: “At least the fever is gone”
I
started to quietly laugh as the tears flowed from my eyes. I’m not sure how
long I stayed like that- curled up on the floor laughing and crying as I tried
to get my mind back together. I had zoned out when Fell’s voice brought me back.
I could feel the Azoth moving under my skin. It got worse at her and Hart’s
approach and I worried that I would hurt them. My head started to go fuzzy
again but I fought it back. Ritter himself couldn’t take control, so I wasn’t
about to let a piece of him do it. Fell had her arms around me even though I
told her not to. Even though I was fighting, I was exhausted and I feared what
would happen if I slipped up. Still she held me. Her embrace seemed to calm the
movement under my skin and I was finally able to relax a bit.
If
you are wondering about those other posts, join the club. I was in no condition
to draw or write any of that. Going through my sketchpad, I don’t see any of
those drawings. Shouldn’t be too surprised, I suppose. Not the first time
something like this has happened…
Thought
of taking them down… hurts to look at them. But then, masochist that I am, when
have I ever walked away from a little extra pain? Hahaha
Speaking
of pain, I should really be getting back to Carmine. As I said, I just wanted
to give myself some time to get used to this. Still feels weird to be typing
with the Azoth moving within… but not as weird as it did. On a lighter note, I
had a bizarre sort of bonding moment the other day. I was listening to some
music and had started to sway along with it. Felt the movements under my skin
start to synchronize with it too. I stopped, but it continued on swaying along.
Amused and curious, I started moving to the music again and encouraged it to do
more, just to see what would happen. Felt a burning pinch as I extended my arms
and felt some of it pushed out from under my skin. They actually looked rather
delicate and moved gracefully as they continued to sway. I thought it was
interesting that they felt different from Ritter’s. While the areas from which
the emerged burned, they, themselves, were just warm to the touch. Maybe that’s
why I haven’t been as cold as I usually am. I heard a noise and turned to see
Fell standing there, staring at me with her mouth slightly open in apparent
shock. She circled around me. I could practically hear all the questions that
seemed to be going through her mind. She reached towards them. She gasped as some
of them suddenly extended and wrapped around her hand. I made them let her go.
She said that it was okay and assured me that they weren’t hurting her. She
reached for them once more and I let them hold her hand while she asked all the
expected questions. It was nice.
